let's talk about sex, baby, but let's do it tomorrow

I'm in the middle of writing a post. Yes it's about sex. It's kinda got a bit stuck. I'm trying to work out which direction to take it next.
So in the meantime here's a couple of photos of me, one taken today and one back in February.
Plus another bonus pic from today

"You'd think that people would have had enough of silly love songs"

"I look around me and I see it isn't so, oh no."

I don't know what to write. Having written several serious well thought out (well, sort of well thought out) blog posts, I'm not really sure where to go from here.
I like writing serious posts, but this blog is called "It's My Life", and my life is full of funny stuff, so there ought to be some funny stuff on here too.

Unfortunately, having written that last sentence, I have now entirely run out of funny things to say. Maybe.
But watch this space, there'll be a bit of both, methinks.

So confused, my heart's bruised. Was I ever loved by you?

One of the things I've learnt about myself recently is that I'm very needy when it comes to wanting reassurance from friends and family. I need to be told that I'm loved, that I'm doing ok, that I'm needed. I don't really know it that's a good thing or a bad thing.

On the one hand, I luckily have great friends who are constantly telling me that they love me, that I'm beautiful, that the world would be a sadder place without me. On the other hand, I know that I need to be finding my assurance not in other people, but in God, and my identity in him. Once again it comes down to the fact that I need to stop looking to other people to fulfill me, to tell me that I'm loved, and look to God.

God will never leave me, nor forsake me. God is always there. My identity is secure in God. I never have any need to doubt that God loves me. God sent his Son to die for me while I was still a sinner, that I might be adopted into his family, and never again have to doubt that am I loved.
I know that I don't remind myself of that enough, so I have a feeling that a fair few posts may turn out to be related to this topic as I try to work through stuff in my head.

"Single right now, that's how I wanna be" or not?

Don't need to be on somebody's arm to look good 
I'm not saying I don't wanna fall in love, 'cause I would 
I'm not gonna get hooked up just cause you say I should 
I'm gonna wait so I'm sorry if you misunderstood
('Single' by Natasha Bedingfield)

Last night I watched Bridget Jones' Diary on television. I've seen it plenty of times before, but it got me thinking a bit about singleness and singletons (A self-description of individuals without romantic partners, particularly applied to women in their thirties introduced in the novel and film). Then an article in the Times Magazine form yesterday's paper turned that thought into the seed for a blog post. I'm also conducting a little market research over on the etsy forums. I'll throw in a random quotation from the article in The Times between every paragraph, to give you some food for thought!

There is so much stuff out there about singleness. A commenter on an earlier post told me to embrace my singleness. But what does that mean? How can I embrace my singleness? What are the differences between being single and being in a relationship? I have a feeling that this post may turn into one of those 'how long is a piece of string' type deals, but it'd be great to hear your opinions on some of these matters.

"That's the truth about being single; it can be horrendous, only I'm not allowed to admit it"

Being single all you have to think about is yourself. There's no one else to consider, no one else's feelings to be mindful of. You can jump on a plane and backpack across Australia, go scuba diving in the Caribbean, not worry when your pay check is spent and all you have is baked beans in the cupboard... So, why aren't I out there doing those things? I'm single, I have no responsibilities, why am I stuck here at home being boring and waiting for a man to come along? (Not strictly true, but to emphasise my point!) What am I doing with my life? How can I use my life better to achieve something, rather than waiting around for someone else? Surely I need to discover my own identity first, rather than hanging about for someone else to fulfill me.

"Prevailing 21st century thought [...] is trying to convince me that being single is the best thing that can happen to a person."

Several of the people who responded on etsy were single people who told me they thought singleness was a blessing. That they had too much 'baggage' of their own to go into a relationship with someone else. At what point does a person make that observation about themself? When does the thinking shift from 'when he comes along' to 'I don't want him to come along'. Is is even that they would turn down a relationship if the opportunity for one arose, or is it an excuse that people tell themselves enough times that they begin to believe it?

"The loneliness, the effort, that musty smell in your flat because you spend too much time in it [...] that's all in your mind. A fabrication. You're not bored, you just think you're bored because being single is fabulous! There are more than 3 million single people living in Britain today - everyone's at it, why not join in the fun?"

Personally, I'm single at the moment. I'd like to spend my time being single to achieve something. But, I have to admit that I don't want to stay single forever. I do want to do the wife and mother thing. I feel like a part of me would fail to be satisfied if that doesn't happen for me. I want to know the intimate more than friendship kind of relationship that comes with being married (As I've said before, I'm a Christian, and believe in sex only within a marital context. I'm sorry if other people don't agree, but this is my blog!)

I've always been one of those 'good with kids' type of people. I would love to have a chance to use those skills to care for my own children. I appreciate that I've just made the leap from being single to having kids, but for me, part of being in a relationship, specifically marriage is to procreate.

"If only there were some service that would reliably predict when any period of non-voluntary solitude would end, it would cut out the anxiety and allow single people to enjoy the good things about their lives: increased lucidity, productivity, creativity and self-awareness."

I don't think I've come to any conclusions at all here. I guess maybe I'm still confused about it all, or I'm just playing devil's advocate. But what do you think? Singleness, a blessing or a curse? Or something inbetween? If you're single, how do you embrace that singleness? If you're not, what should I be doing to embrace mine? And finally, anyone know any tall cute single christian men? ;)

who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?

That seems a very cynical way to start a blog post, but since I started using lines from that song, I decided to continue.

I'm also watching Bridget Jones' Diary at the same time as blogging. So who knows what'll come out of my mouth, or should that be fingers?

Actually, blatantly this is not going to manage to be a hard hitting serious blog post. So I'll go for rabbiting vaguely....

"I like you just the way you are" (as said by Mark to Bridget). What an amazing line :)

I'm really convinced I'm a hot tub person really. It's been fun using it while I'm here housesitting, but I don't think I'd want to have one all the time. Although it'd be more fun if I had someone else to go in it with me!

Ok, brain's gone dead. I'm gonna hit post and go back to watching the film...

I've got to do what?

Recently I've been thinking a lot about my self worth and self image and self esteem. Over the last year and a half I've lost about 6 stone (84lb) in weight. Having been overweight all my life, I'm experiencing real freedom both physically and emotionally as I've changed. I would say that I have more confidence in myself, I'm more likely to give things a go rather than shy away, I generally like what I see when I look in the mirror.

However, I know I still have lots of self worth issues to work through. One good friend of mine constantly tells me that I'm beautiful. Some days I'm willing to believe that, but others I wonder how on earth they can say that. He says I should tell myself that until I believe it. The problem is I've had years of mentally writing myself off, of lacking confidence in myself, of hating who I was and how I looked. Things are getting better, but it still needs work.

I was reading a book the other day which mentioned the following bible verses. Most people would probably focus on the first part of what Jesus says, and that's right and good to do that, but this book was drawing out the second commandment.

Matthew 22:37-39
Jesus replied: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbour as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."

'Love your neighbour as yourself'. I don't know how many times I've read or heard that said, but I've never grasped it the way they were explaining it in this book. 'Love you neighbour', I can grasp that and do that fine, but 'as yourself'? Wait a second? It says I have to love myself. It's a commandment from God that I should do that. If I don't love myself I'm doing an injustice to God. I'm belittling something that God has made and loves and honours highly. One of the things I want to do more of the next few days and weeks is to look at my position in God's eyes. I know that God loves me, but I don't think I understand fully what that means. I want to look at scripture and the things it says about me and meditate more upon it.

Stuck in a moment, and I can't get out if it

Yesterday I met up with a guy from church to talk about how my life is at the moment, and what I should be doing to get on with my life. As far at the conversation went, it was good. I need to get myself motivated and get on with life. Stop just existing and go back to living. That means finding a job that's more than a couple of days a week, and potentially moving out from home again. (I lived away from home the year after university, but when that job came to an end I had to move back to live with my parents for financial reasons)

But somehow it didn't meet the greater itch. I have lots of stuff inside my head that needs to come out. But I play stupid games like the other person has to ask the right questions before I will let it out. That doesn't work, cos how on earth would they know the right questions to ask anyway?! And all that does is leave me hating myself even more and feeling even worse. It's a no win situation. And I'm sick of playing games. I'm gonna try to be real about how I'm feeling, if anyone cares enough to ask.

what's love, but a secondhand emotion?

There are so many songs about love. The one I have in my head at the moment is The Elephant Love Medley from Moulin Rouge. It's all so 'perfect'. In the course of a song the guy persuades the girl to fall in love with him, or at least sleep with him. There are songs about love working out, there are songs about love and love affairs ending. There are songs for just about every aspect of love that you can think of. Or at least the different aspects of the 'eros' physical sexual kind of love.

But love isn't just about sex. Sure, I've heard that it's good, and definitely not to be sneezed at in the right time and place, but love is so much more than that. Like I said yesterday, there are different types of love. Within a marriage* there needs to be more than sex to hold the relationship together. Anyway, I'm not entirely sure how I got on to talking about sex, but lets move on.

Right now I'm in the position that I've had one boyfriend, ever. I'm 26 right now, so yes, I guess that's pretty uncommon. But that's ok with me. To be honest, I think being overweight (obese, to be precise) while I was going through my teen years was probably a life saver for me. I never had to go through the mental struggles of dating and getting close to someone at a time in my life when I wasn't ready physically or mentally for things like marriage. Now that I'm 26 I feel like I am ready when/if the situation arises. Of course what I need now is for a nice guy to come along, but in the meanwhile I'm trying, with God's help, to be happy with my situation as it stands.

I know that my identity, my sense of worth won't be found through meeting a nice guy, getting married and having babies. I know that I need to find my identity before all of that, that other people can't show me who am I. This is where I start getting 'religious', so please bear with me, or go read something else if you're not in the mood ;)

I believe that my identity is in God. It's something so big, so great that I'm not sure I can actually begin to talk about it at the moment. It feels like it needs its own blog post - maybe tomorrow! In the meantime, I'll leave you with some words from this song 'Befriended' by Matt Redman.

Astounded, astounded that Your gospel beckoned me
Surrounded, surrounded but I've never been so free,
Determined, determined now to live this life for You
You're so worthy my greatest gift would be the least You're due

This blog post went off in a completly differnet direction to that which I was expecting, but that's ok. I'll post it anyway!

* I'm a Christian and believe that sex should only take place within marriage. I respect that my readers may not agree, but please keep it civil in the comments, and note that I will delete any inappropriate comments as I see fit

What's love got to do, got to do with it?

I've been tossing this post around in my head for ages now, and I'm still not convinced it'll come out in a way that's coherent, but I'll give it a go.

This morning when I arrived to look after Little One and Little Flower, they both shrieked with joy and yelled my name. Little Flower has only recently started saying my name, so that's pretty exciting too. That's gotta be love, they way they get excited when they see me. And I love them to bits. It's been an amazing privilege to be a part of their lives, and know that I helped teach Little One to count, that I've made an impact on their lives.

On my last Sunday before I went to Texas, the head of the children's work at church called me out to get the kids to pray for me. I was amazed how when she asked them to raise their hand if they'd ever been taught by me or babysit, or cared for by me, more than half the room (there were probably 60 kids) raised their hands. I didn't realise that I had been a part of some many different people's lives.

That's the thing about life. No man is an island. Everyone is connected to other people in some way. Even if a person has no close family, there are usually people in their life that they are close to, that they love and are loved by.

When the boy and I broke up, I remember having a day where I wondered why people bother loving others, when all it leads to is hurt. I think that's when this post started percolating in my head. It took me a little while, but I realised that to love is to live. Unless we love other people, in whatever form that love may take, we don't really know what it is to be alive, to be human.

I think one of the things I've learnt, or maybe been reminded of over the last few weeks and months, is all the different ways that you can love. It might sound shocking at face value if I were to tell you that absolutely I love The Boy to bits, he's great, I can't say enough good things about him. But, that's as a friend. He's an amazing guy, he's a great friend. He's always going to have been my first boyfriend, and there's a special place in my heart for him because of that. but more than that, I had the privilege to get to know him personally for a few weeks, and out of that I got to catch a glimpse of how amazingly on fire for God he is, and his genuine concern and affection for others. Don't get me wrong, I'm not putting him on a pedestal, or saying that he's faultless, or anything like that, I'm just trying to explain how it's possible for me to be able to say I love him still.

One of the great things I love about being part of the blogging community, and also the community over on Etsy, is that I can honestly say that I love people I've never met. Which is a really strange, almost mad thing to say, I guess. But somehow, blogging and other similar online activities connects people. It allows people a chance to get to know one another, to develop friendships, and to share in each others happiness and pain.

I have some other things to say, but I think I might make them another post. In the meantime, leave me a post and tell me who you love, and why. Or just drop by and say hi. (Consider yourself prompted to de-lurk!)

sheesh

I need to blog more often

Fingerprint Friday

I'm not sure I'm gonna do a very good job at explaining this, so go read Beki's post, and then come back. I'll be here, waiting for you.

You back? Ok.

I look after the Little Flower a couple of days a week, and I thank God for the opportunity to be a part of her and her brother lives. I've had the chance to watch them grow and learn and change. God's fingerprints are all over her.

:)

Happened on the walk to playgroup with Little One yesterday morning.
Sorry for sharing slightly TMI, but it's necessary for you to understand the situation ;)

Me: Mind out for the dog poo, Little One.

Little One stops and gazes at the poo for a very long time. (It was small lumps of poo, rather than one big blob)

Little One: Debbie, that's not dog poo, it's sheep poo.

Of course it is, from all those sheep on the loose in London ;)

Pictures from Brighton

I uploaded a bunch of my photos to flickr. Rather than upload them here too, I'll just leave you a link. You can click on any image to see a bigger version.
Look here

Hope for the Hopeless (aka ME)

These past few months I've been feeling pretty low, as you know. This morning I was in a session with a talk by David Stroud on a passage from 1 Samuel about Jonathan, the son of King Saul, and his armour bearer.
Anyway, I left that session with a renewed sense of hope. I felt like I was stuck at the bottom of a big pit, and I couldn't get out. (the following is what I wrote to a friend earlier)

"I'm slowly learning that that's not the case. That God has a purpose for my life. That my life matters. That I am special. It's just a bit of a hard time trying to persuade myself that that's true. For so much of my life I've had such love self value, it's not something that can change over night. But I'm trying, and God's doing stuff in me that's changing me into a new person. I do feel like I'm a different person to what i was a year ago, and it's not just the losing weight thing, although that's a big difference on the outside."

I'm not actually here

I was getting twitchy, so had to make use of the free internet access and come check my emails etc.
Just thought I'd pop in and say hi, and tell you that the conference is going great. The first talk was pretty hard hitting, and lots to process, so I think it's going to be a fairly intensive week. Hopefully I'll have enough energy - physical and emotional to last it out.

Out of office announcement

From this evening (Monday) until Friday evening I will be away in Brighton for the New Frontiers Leadership conference. I may be able to check in at some point, but in case I don't, I will wish you a good week, and hopefully catch up with you all soon.

Pics from the 80's hen party last night

I love these guys (Little One and LIttle Flower)

Me, today (very tired)

I like this in a mirror version. 'tis cool

601

That's how many posts I've written on this blog. Wow, that's an awful lot of talking about nothing much ;)

A few photographs from Saturday.
The now traditional 'in a mirror' shot.Me, laughingThe beautiful bride
The very happy groom
The first dance

The Verdict

I'm going to go ahead and send it anyway. Cos it seems ok to me, and people might be disappointed otherwise.
Just have to get my butt in gear and actually get it packaged up and go to the post office...

(Will hopefully post more on my poor neglected blog soon. Just been busy elsewhere.. I'm going to a wedding on Saturday, so I'm sure I'll post pics from that...)

You can't send chocolate to the US

This sucks.
I have an etsy friend I intended to send a little care package of typically British fare, in the form of an assortment of chocolate bars. However, I have come into difficulties with new licensing laws which stop the import of any foodstuff in to the USA without proper a proper license.
Pants :-(

Now I shall have to come up with something else that is typically British, but not food. Any thoughts?

Edited:
Now wait just a second, we may have found some legislation that makes it ok after all....

Trouble is her only friend, and he's back again.

I've been wanting to use that line for a blog title for ages, and today just seemed the right day to do it.

That's all I have right now. I need to upload some photos, so more later, maybe.

(Update: Seems I've foold some of you into thinking I made this line up. It's actually the first line from the song 'Carry You Home' as sung by James Blunt)

In the minority?

I've just been reading a small article in one of the bits of today's Times. Entitled "We've lost that loving feeling" it quotes stats (as collected by a survey of 2,000 people, by Andrex) suggesting that people in general just don't hug.
It claims that
65% of people try to avoid hugging where possible.
55% of people give two hugs a week.
Only 17% of people love hugging and give too many to count.

I definitely fall into the last category. I love love love hugs. Hugs make me feel loved, needed, special. Hugs connect you with a person more than words alone, or a quick handshake can do. Hugs break down barriers. Hugs can warm you up when you're cold, comfort you when you're upset, convey love, hope, and joy.

Me, I'm all about the hugs. And I ain't gonna change. Whatever else the rest of the world thinks about them.

Look, Purple!

Behold, I present myself (with skanky hair, sorry!) wearing my most recently aquired birthday present. Oh I love it when birthdays get to last a looooong time, and I love blest, who sent me this one. It was definitely worth the wait :-)

(and if you're as impressed as I am, check out more of her work here. Even better, she has a sale in her shop, which I believe is ending today, so check out this section in particular )

A random assortment of thoughts

Today I've been wearing my purple crocs. I'd take a picture of my feet in them, but my camera and computer aren't feeling friendly today. Which is why you're getting random thoughts instead of fun pictures of me and the kids playing at the park with my friend Jenny. I like them (the crocs, not the kids) because they are purple, and because I actually managed to find a pair that fit when I was in Tx, and having found them obviously had to buy them too!

This morning in the doctor's waiting room I was reading 'Mother and Baby' magazine. I will freely admit that if I had to pick one magazine out of all the magazines in the world, and I would only ever be allowed to read that, ever after, then Mother and Baby magazine would be that magazine. I think I got addicted when I discovered that they had a subscription in my school library. I was doing a 'child development' GCSE, which must have been the easiest GCSE for me ever, and thought they'd be good to read, and even though my friends scoffed, I enjoyed whiling away my spare time in there! I think I am just a sponge when it comes to things to do with babies or pregnancy or children or anything that's associated with those things. Ok, so I've never actually had a baby of my own, or even been pregnant, but, I'd like to think that I'm getting prepared for the 'one day' that I do ;-) Besides, I just find the magazine really really interesting. I've even been known to buy a copy of it for myself, just for fun. Who needs OK magazine or anything like that, when you can have Mother & Baby?!
(Just to clarify, I'm under no illusions that reading a magazine or even looking after other people kids can prepare you for what being a Mum is actually like, but it's a step in the right direction, right?!)

This afternoon (hmm, well it was before I had lunch, but after noon) I spent some time hacking at the tree/bush thing that is growing in our front garden. It's totally out of control and drives me crazy, so I decided, on the spur of the moment, to do something about it. So I did. And now my arms are really sore and itchy, but the garden looks a bit better!

The doctor gave me a steroid injection this morning, which will hopefully help to control my hayfever a little better. Because at the moment it's out of control, and my poor nose is getting sore with all the blowing!

Finally, and stop reading if you don't like TMI, but the doctor I saw yesterday at the hospital thought that there's a possibility that I may have another chest infection, so he's got me to give a sputum sample, so that they can check for infection, and if there is an infection, actually give me 'type-specific' antibiotics, rather than constantly throwing more broad spectrum ones into my body in the vain hope that they'll do something.

Costochondritis

I finally remembered the name of the swelling that they think I have. Every time a doctor says it I think, yeah, that's what the last one said, but it never 'sticks' somehow! However, with some intensive googling, I found it. (see above)
See here for a wikipedia link

Stolen from Rachel's facebook album

because my American friends complained that I didn't take any pics of me with my new hair cut at the hen party. Hope that's ok, Rachel!

Yay for sleep

For the first time in about a week I actually got 8 or 9 hours sleep. Praise God!
I still feel absolutely exhausted, but maybe I'm beginning to catch up some of those missed hours.

I'm still alive

Yesterday I went out to my friend Angela's hen party. It was a great evening, and I had fun.
Today I'm feeling really tired and fragile, and life is just feeling hard. But I'll keep living it all the same.

*Sorry, meant to include trans-Atlantic translation, but I forgot. Hen party = bachelorette party. Stag party = bachelor party. Basically, the parties the bride and groom have with their friends a week or so before they get married. Make sense?

A&E update

Well, as it stands, my chest is clear at the moment, and I'm not wheezy, so the doctor I saw wants me to go back on the diclofenac. (which is what i've been taking for a week).

Cos i'm an asthmatic, we really don't have many choices. Ibuprofen and co-codamol do definitely make me wheeze, whereas at the moment the diclofenac is not making me wheeze. It's causing general tenderness, and weight gain and feeling like i've been hit all over with a big stick, but it's about the only thing that's going to deal with the underlying cause of the pain - which is the swelling.

The doc reckons that the breathing issues I've been having aren't so much the asthma, as the fact that the swelling is pressing on my lungs and making it harder to breathe.

He wants me to take the diclofenac (which is a 3 times after meals job) and add in 2 paracetamol 4 times a day. And to go back and see my doctor soon. Well I've already got an appoinment for Monday, so that's easy enough to do. He said also to make sure that they do blood tests/check the bloodwork from last week and look at thyroid and blood sugar stuff, to check whether there's anything else causing underlying problems.

And that's it really. Keep taking the meds and hope they work. Put up with feeling like I've been beaten with a big stick all over, and see what my doc says on monday.

Lucky old me!

:-(

It's 1.45pm, and I've been up for just over 2 hours. Before you all start exclaiming about that, I only stayed in bed until 11.30am cos I didn't actually get to sleep until 4am. In the last couple of hours I feel like I've felt up and down and good and bad, and all sorts of different things, but now I just feel sore and in pain, and fragile, and like I'm about to cry.

The alternative anti-inflammatory drugs I've been taking have now been officially added to the "I am allergic to this drug" list. They've made me wheezy, coughy, swollen and sore, and also apparently put on a stone (14lb) in the space of a few days. I haven't taken them since Wednesday evening, and a couple of pounds have come off again, so hopefully it's not a long-term weight gain.

I'm just fed up of being ill. Fed up of not knowing how I'm gonna feel tomorrow. I've almost given up hope that there will be a day that I'll wake up and be better. For a couple of days the meds actually gave me relief from pain, and I actually thought things were looking up. Then my body realised what I was taking, and rebelled, and now I'm left struggling with breathing, and in worse pain that I was in before. I just can't take being ill anymore. It's too hard.

UPDATE:
I tried to get an appointment to see my doctor, or any doctor today, but even though I begger they weren't having any of it. Now my friend Rach has suggested I take myself off to A&E instead. I'm wating for another 20mins before my mum gets off work, so i can ring her and see what she thinks. Cos I can't even make that decision for myself right now.

UPDATED UPDATE: My Mum is on her way home, and then we're heading to the hospital. She told me to ring the docs again, and see if there was any chance I could speak to a doctor on the phone. The receptionist I spoke to was lovely, and basically said that given what you've told me, I'd rather you do to the hospital and get seen to where they've got the good drugs ;-) than faff around here waiting for a doctor to call you, who probably won't be able to do anything anyway.

Can you believe...

... that this sweet girl is now walking.
It feels like no time at all since she was born, and that was last April!I guess I'm gonna have to get used to taking pictures like this one..Finally, here's me. Just because. Posing, you say? Well, maybe, but if HP would've hurried up and taken the picture...

:-)

The doorbell rang a few minutes ago, and it was a delivery of a big bunch of flowers for ME! I don't think I've ever had a bunch of flowers delivered to my front door like that. I've been ill for pretty much the last four months straight, and it's really getting me down.
The flowers were from a family at my church, whose children I looked after a few days a week for much of last year, and came with a lovely message of love, wishing me better.
I may be in pain, struggling to breathe, and have had too little sleep, but those flowers totally just made my day. They reminded me that people out there love me, and it's worth fighting to get through another day.

Looking lovely..

Bekki hadn't seen the Little Flower in over a year, but they got on like a house on fire. Little Flower's hair was sticking up like that all day.

Happy in the Sunshine

These were taken yesterday while in Cheltenham for the
celebration of my Grandad's 80th birthday.

Life is ok, I think

Well, I did just do 45 mins on my treadmill, and the endorphins are still merrily flowing through me. It was the first time I'd been on it in about 3 weeks, becasue I've just been so tired and lacking in energy. But I decided that actually I'd feel better for some exercise, got on for 15 mins, and stayed on for 45!

See, I'm smiling..

Crazy FREAK OUT Week

Monday and Tuesday this week could be summed up in a couple of words. Pain, sleepiness, and lots of eating. I think the eating was mostly cos I thought I was feeling hungry, but then realised it wasn't hunger I was feeling, more an emptiness inside cos I was missing something.

I heard on Monday, from the garage that was holding my car (and not officially from my insurance company - I only got that letter today!) that it was being written off. I actually cried when I heard the news. I also cried when I caught a bit of this Westlife video as I flicked through the TV channels, and when I read this blog post, so I guess I was just feeling really fragile. I mean, come on, crying at WESTLIFE?! That's just wrong.

I arranged with the garage in Cambridge to go and pick up my car on Wednesday. I was just about to leave to drive to Cambridge and I suddenly freaked out. I couldn't breathe properly, I couldn't think straight. My back and neck went really tense, and I just couldn't cope. And then (and it's ok if you laugh, cos I've laughed about it since!) I caught sight of my little fingers and freaked all over again. I guess that they must be thinner with all my weight loss, but all of a sudden I was convinced that they looked too thin and too tiny and was sure that they were going to snap off any second.

I managed to calm myself down a bit, and then literally talked myself step by step to Cambridge. I just said to myself, all you have to do is walk to your car and get in it, and then when I'd done that I just had to drive to the end of the road... to the A406... onto the Motorway... to the next junction, all the way to Cambridge.

I have driven since the accident, so I think that freaking out was because I would have to drive along the road where I had the accident. As I drove around that roundabout I caught sight of where I ended up on the grass verge, and I just thanked God. Because if we'd hit the kerb with even a little bit more force, we wouldn't have stopped on the grass, we'd have ended up in the ditch beyond, and it all could have been a different story. I thank God for keeping up safe.

I drove to Bekki's and then she came with me to the garage to pick up my stuff out of the car and say goodbye to my car. I took some last few photos of it, and then we went for out for lunch. (Bekki and I, not the car ;-) )

On Thursday I had another mini freak-out. It was while I was waiting for the guys to arrive with my hire car, and I think partly just because I didn't have control over what time it would be arriving, and cos it was a totally new situation to me. I couldn't breathe and my back went all tense again. I calmed myself down, by praying and talking to myself, and luckily the car arrived not long after, and it was all fine.

It just seems like I can't deal with anything to do with the car situation at the moment. Letters and forms to fill in did finally arrive from my insurance company today, but I didn't look at them for too long, because it was all just too much information to take it, and I didn't want to have another freak out!

Sightseeing in Cambridge

Sitting in front of King's College, Cambridge.
One of the happier moments during our Bank Holiday trip to Cambridge ;-)

An ode to my car

Or rather, this would be an ode to my car if I were any good at writing odes. What is an ode exactly, anyway?!

Goodbye my little purple car. I'll miss you :-(

These guys tried hard to get us back on the road, but even with the spare put on instead it wasn't fit to go anywhere. Now all I have to do it work out how to explain to the Little One why I've been driving Elly's Car and why we can't go in Debbie's Car anymore.

My car's been written off

I actually cried when I heard the news :-(

A new week's coming...

... and I'm wondering just what curve balls life will throw at me this week.
Expect the unexpected, that's what I say.

I certainly couldn't have predicted the events of the last week, never in a million years of guessing. I was living them, and I still got confused ;-)

Anyone up for a de-lurk?

Now I know that there are a lot of people who read this blog, and don't ever, or hardly ever comment. Several of my real-life friends had admitted that they've been reading and keeping an eye on me, and that's really cool. Cos it makes life easier when I don't have to tell the same story over and over again. But it'd be nice to just have a little more interaction from y'all.
Please don't make me beg...
(Sending a wave to Suz, Sox, Bud, I&G, Jo, Laura, M, and anyone else... just give me a little wave back, please?!)
(And an extra big wave to Estie, how could I have forgotten you?!)

My poor little car

I just rang my insurance company and they say that the garage have assessed it to be a borderline case, and have referred it back to the insurance company. I really like my car, so I'm praying that they won't write it off, and will fix it up for me. I know it's just a car, and people being safe is more important, and all that, but really, I don't need the hassle of having to buy another car right now.

My bad day...

I had a bit of an accident in my car. Was on a roundabout and lost control of the car, and hit the kerb and went up the grass verge. Everyone in the car seemed alright at the time, and my insurance company are dealing with it now.

Please pray
1. That the car can be repaired, and will be quickly, cos I really need my car.

2. That I’m ok. I’m in a lot of pain, but I think it’s mostly old pain. And shock. And the fact that some guy walked right into me really hard when I was walking along the road, which jarred my back. I’m also feeling cold and shaky, but I think it’s mostly just reaction.

3. That I can get right back on track with my eating tomorrow.

The Worst Day in the World, possibly

I don't want to talk about it.

Cambridge in the Rain

If you've ever wanted to see bits of Cambridge in the rain, but not wanted to get wet, then today could be your chance.
I'm off there for the day with a bunch of people from church. I'll take lots of pics and report back later...

Google Referrals

If I got paid for every person that arrives at my site searching either for the lyrics of a particular Bugsy Malone song, or wondering 'how to put on a duvet' I would be a very rich blogger. However, I had this referral on Friday which I would like to answer personally.

They said "what happens if you miss the eurovision song contest tomorrow?"

I say "I would like to suggest that the world will not end if this tragic event does (did) come to pass."
Unfortunately I did not live-blog the events of this year's contest, but if I might be so forward as to suggest you might be able to satisfy your cravings by reading a blow by blow account of last year's contest. These can be found in my May 2007 archives.

God's on my case

This morning we sang this song - 'You never let go' by Matt Redman. And I just had a sudden realisation that God has got a hold of me, he's never ever going to let me go, however rough or tough or hard things get. God is with me right now, going through the pain and the hurt and the despair, and he's going to bring me through it.

But most of all, what I realised is that I WANT TO LIVE. That was the resolve that started in my mind, and settled as a deep yearning desire in the pit of my stomach. I want to stop just existing through this illness, and instead I want to LIVE. To do more than count off the days, but to live them the best way that I can.

I don't know if that really makes sense, but to me it was like the fog and mist and gloom lifted. I suddenly knew that even if I'm still in the pit, in the dark, I'm not on my own. God is here with me, and he can carry me when I can't make it on my own. In fact, I don't even need to try to make it on my own, cos God is always always always with me. So I am gonna get through this mystery illness, and the pain and hurt, but not by anything I can do, but by the power of God's son, and his death on a cross, for me.

Happy un-Birthday to me

Last night I went to a friend's house to watch the Eurovision Song Contest, and to celbrate my birthday. The lovely Rach even made me a birthday cake.
It was a select gathering on people (I think several people had other plans, it being the bank holiday weekend and all), but Rach and I have plans to make next year's Eurovision Song Contest and Debs' Birthday Party a night to remember...

Update

I did go to the doctors today. But it was pretty much a waste of time. It was a doctor I hadn't seen before, who was very dismissive of the whole thing. Listened to my chest for about 2 seconds before saying it was clear. Well, I could hear myself wheezing, so it definitely wasn't right, even if it was clear of infection.

He said the pain would probably go away by itself, and I said, "um, I've been in constant pain for over a week, do you think we could do something to help it go away?! Cos paracetamol ain't touching it, even though I've been taking 6 or 8 a day (max does 8 in 24 hours).

He wouldn't listen when I asked him about other anti-inflamatories, and ended up giving me inuprofen gel to rub on. I was like "HELLO! I'm allergic to ibuprofen!" I don't know if the gel can/will make me wheezy, but I guess I'll find out.

So yeah, it's all great, huh?!

Testing, Testing

I've dropped the kids off at the house of another lady from church, and they'll hopefully enjoy spending the afternoon there with her and her kids, and I get to come home to my house, and possibly/probably go to sleep.

So, I decided today was the day to experiment with delayed posting (or whatever the proper name for it is) when you schedule your posts to appear at a certain time. So this will hopefully appear while I'm sleeping, and I will come back later once I've woken up, and check.

So pretty much, you can just ignore this post. I guess I should have put that disclaimer at the beginning. Oh well, thanks for reading!

Friday Morning

Ok, so in case you've missed the fact that I'm still ill, or are totally distraught that the lack of updates as to my well-being, I'm going to talk all about me for a paragraph or two...

I'm still ill. Still in pain - the same pain that took me to A&E last Thursday (over a week ago). I'm going to ring the doctors in about 10 minutes, when they open, to see if there's any chance of them fitting me in today. Cos Monday is a bank holiday, and it'll be another 3 days until they're open, and when they are there are likely to be many many people trying to get appointments. Cos that's the way it seems to go with doctor's appointments!

I'm allergic to ibuprofen and co-codamol and aspirin, which had left me with paracetamol, and that doesn't seem to do anything for the pain. I was chatting with a friend of mine of facebook the other day, and she's similar to me, in that she's allergic to lots of stuff. Anyway, she's given me the name of an anti-inflammatory that she can take, so I shall take that with me when I go. (And if they can fit me in to have an appointment this morning, then I will also be taking R&D with me. R&D are two children that I'm looking after this morning, because their school is having an INSET day - which stands for something, but basically means that the teachers go in and the kids don't!)

Um, so there you have it. I'm still really really tired. I'm meant to be going out for a meal to celebrate a friend's birthday tonight, but I cancelled it, because I'm also supposed to be going out to a girly evening tomorrow night - to watch the Eurovision Song Contest, and also celebrate my birthday. And I figured if I was going to go out to celebrate a birthday at any point this weekend, it probably ought to be mine that I saved my energy for!

Update: I rang the doctors and they can fit me in this morning. Means I will have to take R&D with me, but still, maybe they'll be able to give me something for the pain.

Making Pumpkin Muffins - new, adapted version*

* The new adapted version bit being to do with having to amuse a 12 month old at the same time. Please be assured that all mess was cleared up at the end of making these muffins.

The events portrayed here took place a couple of weeks ago. Little Flower's Mum needed to get some important work done at home, and while Little One was at playgroup for the morning, Little Flower really needed to be taken out of the way, so I agreed to have her at my house for the morning.

I had also decided that I needed to get on with making pumpkin muffins, and figured that it ought to be possible to do that at the same time, right? I had my can of pumpkin (which had been found in the cupboard of one of Bekki's friends, and had been offered to me as he didn't want it)Unfortunately, Little Flower was having one of those days where all is well, so long as she was being held in my arms. (And even an mad antics didn't seem to improve her mood).Still, I think we got on ok, on the whole. I can, after all, crack eggs one-handed, with either hand, and what other skills could you possibly need to make pumpkin muffins?!

She really wasn't convinced, but did let me put her down when I was having to do things like dealing with the oven. And I did provide her with lots of exciting things to play with.As this picture shows (you can click for a larger version) she had, (from far left, continuing towards us), a towel, a pair of garden shoes, a bottle of juice, a stick previously used for opening paint tins, a fly swatter, a plastic bowl, a set of measuring spoons, a sock (she was wearing the other one still), a plastic cup, an apple (which I removed after she'd thrown it on the floor), a little stall to sit on, and a radio to fiddle with (located on the chair that can just be seen in the foreground on the left) a whole bunch of fridge magnets, and an open washing machine. What more could you possibly want? Oh, and a handful of sultanas, which she liberally scattered all over the room, and I then swept up.

I have to say, we made a great team!

(I appear to have not yet uploaded the photos of the finished product, but I can assure you that they taste delicious. Even the last few I made, when I'd run out of space in the tins, and had to just put the mixture in cake cases there were loose on a baking sheet. The only thing I have to say about those particular few, is that if I ever want to make realistic looking fake dog-do, then I'll know how to do it. They tasted yummy though ;-) )

Random thought

which just occurred to me, and will now bother me for ages unless I share it.

You may or may not know this little ditty

"Oh dear, what can the matter be?
Three old ladies, stuck in the lavatory.
They were there from Monday to Saturday.
Nobody knew they were there.

They promised to go to tea with the vicar,
They went in together, they thought it was quicker.
How could they know that the lock was a sticker?
And nobody knew they were there."

This is the thought which just occurred to me - if they'd promised to go to tea with the vicar, then surely HE knew they were there, and would have (or ought to have) sent out a search party to look for them?!

Seriously, who is that?

This is me is a fitting room in my local Sainsbury Supermarket. Wearing size 16 clothes. And if I hadn't been there to take the pictures, I would not recognise that this were me. Who am I?
(I bought the outfit (jeans and t-shirt), and with sales and using my storecard points I ended up paying £7.50 total. Bargain, I'd say)

Monday Morning

Monday's come around again, and I still have a ton of photos on my camera, which i need to upload before I can tell you about any of them. Well, I think I have told you about them, but promised you pictures, and then didn't follow through. Things like Steve's baptism (although HP posted some of my pics, so that's ok) and my MA graduation, and goodness knows what else. This evening I will try to upload them, and see what other surprises my camera has in store.

In the meantime, since it's been so long since I put any pics on my blog, and since I'm lacking in brain power and pain-free-ness to write any proper content, here we have an assorted random selection from the archives.

This is outside the Bethnal Green Museum of Childhood. You can't really see me properly, but I like the way the sky looks behind!
This was after Barney (HP's boyfriend) was baptised. Here I think I'm showing HP the photos I managed to take of it happening. My Mum was ovbiously aware my Dad was taking a picture, but I wasn't, I don't think!
This in upstairs, inside the Museum of Childhood. This is what I hope the tops of my legs will be like when I get to my goal weight! This is in the afternoon on the day of Barney's baptism. HP's shoes had hurt her, so she was having a piggy-back ride. I have the opposite version of this picture (well, you can see me taking a picture here) which I will share at some point, when I can find it can be seen below!

Happy Birthday to me

;-)

I slept

from 7am to 10am. Three hours sleep is not enough. But I jus couldn't make my body switch off and go to sleep. I think napping may well be the order of the day.

It still hurts

Well, on Wednesday morning I woke up with pain in my back (behind my lungs), but it went away after a little while, so I just assumed that I'd slept funny, and got on with my day (including half an hour on the treadmill). That evening the pain came back in my back, and across my chest too, and got worse as the evening went on. I wasn't too worried about it, as I just assumed that it was the pleurisy pain that the doctors kept asking me if I had. I took paracetamol and took myself off to bed.

Thursday morning I woke up with the pain still, and I'd already decided it would be a good idea to right the doctor and she if he could fit me in. The doctor I've seen the last few times wasn't on call, and they actually weren't able to fit me in for an appointment. However, they said that they'd get a doctor to give me a call back. The doctor that called was the one who prescribed me the steroids a few weeks back, so at least he knew a little bit of my case history. He seemed a bit put out that the steroids hadn't worked! Anyway, he told me that he wanted me to go to the walk-in centre at my local hospital to get a chest x-ray done. So off I went.

They've changed it all around since I was last there, but I think they assess you when you go in, and decide if you need to go through to A&E (like ER) or whether you should me seen by someone in the GP clinic. They put me through to the GP clinic first of all, and I saw a doctor there. After telling my history, and him listening to my chest, he told me that he was pretty sure that I didn't have a collapsed lung,or anything like that, but that he would refer me through to A&E if I wanted to, or he would let me go home. Having already been there about an hour, I thought I might as well go on through for the chest x-ray, cos they might be able to point to something causing the pain that couldn't be heard so well, but showed up on the x-ray.

Ok, better speed up the story cos it's getting long. They did urine and blood tests, and an ECG to check I wasn't having a heart attack. They also did the chest x-ray and a physical examination. And basically most things came back clear - I wasn't having a heart attack, the blood results showed no signs of clots. So it came down to just being swelling where the ribcage and muscles meet - which would explain why I have it front and back. It's the sort of thing that occurs when infection gets in, and the fact that I have this constant cough won't be doing anything to help it.

I'm allergic to ibuprofen, so all I can take is paracetamol. Which doesn't seem to do a lot for it. So I've pretty much been in pain all day, and spent much of it feeling dizzy and exhausted too. I'm basically just taking it easy, and hoping the pain will go away soon. I'll keep you posted.

Today

I spent five hours in A&E (ER to some of you).
I'm ok, or as ok as I can be. And I will tell you more about it tomorrow. But now I must go to bed.

I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it

It's amazing the range of different emotions a person can feel in one day. Today I think I've felt everything, almost.

Happiness, when I got off the treadmill after my first work out in over a week.

Annoyance, when I realised the chili con carne that was supposed to have been cooking nicely in the crock pot for the past 5 hours, actually wasn't cooking, cos I hadn't turned the switch on at the wall.

Worry - this morning I had this real sense of foreboding in the pit of my stomach, it was almost making me feel physically sick, and I couldn't even put my finger on why I was feeling like that.

Sadness, when I stopped to wonder if I will ever stop feeling ill and down, and be back to my usual happy self.

Pain - when I woke up this morning I had pain in my back, about where my lungs are. It didn't last too long, and I was feeling lots better by the time I got on my treadmill (and I do listen to my body, and wouldn't have got on it if I didn't think I was ok to do so).

Hope - I know that things won't be like this forever, they will get better. I just have to keep plodding, and see how it goes.

I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it. Even if everything seems to have crumbled right now, I'll take it one brick at a time and start re-building.

Sandpit

I'm the one on the right at the back. This is from around 1987 (I was 4 or 5).

Just the outfit you want to be wearing on a really hot day...

Yesterday was my MA graduation in Cambridge. I have some stories to tell about it, but in the meantime, here are a couple of pics to be going on with.

e-mail

This is from an email I just wrote to a friend of mine, but it says it all really, so I'm not going to re-type it for the blog, just copy and paste. Sorry, just that means I can have more sleep time!

Well I just got back from the doctors. I was that annoying person that spends 45 minutes with the doctor, in what was meant to be a 10 minute slot, so got some lovely dirty looks from people as I came out!

Well, basically, we're not really any further forward with it all yet, but we're taking steps to get
more information -

The chest x-ray results came back, and although they showed something, they were fairly inconclusive. The doctor is sending me for a CT scan and an MRI to try to get a clearer picture of what's going on in there. So for those he sends off the referrals, and they'll contact me to make an appointment. So prayers that they come through quickly would be great.

He listened to my chest and lungs again and didn't look too happy - there's still freaky stuff going on it there, but we'll have to wait for further test results.

He's given me a 5th course of antibiotics (10 days worth this time), and told me to start it on Monday (cos i only finished the last lot yesterday). We don't have much hope of them doing anything, but it's just another stab at whatever it is that's taken over my lungs!

I talked to him about the depression and tiredness and mouth ulcers, and although we didn't exactly come up with any answers, it was just good to feel like he's on my side, and we will get this sorted out, eventually! It's the third time I've seen him since it all started (I saw him when i first got back and was having all those problems with my ears popping) so i feel like he knows me and knows my situation, even if we don't have a clue what the problem is!

Um, he's also given me a referral to the chest and respiratory unit at the hospital. Well, with this new 'patient choose and book system' he's actually given me a couple of different places, and i have to pick one and ring them on Monday to make an appointment. But anyway, that might be another person to bring some light on the situation, so pray for a quick referral there too.

That's it really. Mentally I think I'm doing ok today. I'm at a point where I know that I want to fight this, I want to LIVE and not just exist and drift. I'm still totally shattered, and could easily go back to bed. In fact I may do just that. But it feels like there's potential for light at the end of the tunnel.

Finally, I talked to the doctor about the possibility of it being glandular fever, but we're going to put that theory on the back burner for the moment. Because although I am fatigued and getting depressed, the other symptoms don't really fit. We'll wait for other test results to come back before we try that road!

Friday

In a way this is a post about nothing.
I'm off to the doctors in about 15 minutes, and I hope and pray that he will be able to give me some answers.
I'm feeling a bit brighter mentally today, although maybe I'm just so tired I don't have the energy to think about how I feel.

I wrote the following to some friends of mine yesterday, and I guess it sums up wher I'm at at the moment:

Yeah, I haven’t got any answers, but I just don’t care for the moment! Must be all those people praying for me.I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, but one thing I do know. I want to LIVE. As in, do more than just exist and drift. Does that make sense?So I’m gonna fight for energy, and fight for my mental attitude, and just keep taking it minute by minute, day by day, but try to enjoy the ride.
I have no idea quite what I’m rambling on about. But hey, I’m doing ok. Ish

I'm not coping right now

I need to shut down and go into autopilot. Maybe I already have.
I can't cope with the world at the moment. With life. It just takes too much energy that I haven't got, just to make it out of bed.

Why am I still ill? Why? It's been so long I've almost forgotten what it feels like to wake up and be able to breathe properly. To wake up and feel refreshed and energised and ready for the new day. I wake up and don't feel ready for anything.

I'm in such a bad mood today, and there are probably a million reasons for that, but I think one of them is that if anyone were to actually be nice to me right now, like give me a hug or whatever, I would probably totally lose the plot and explode into tears, and the final few threads that are holding my life together would break, and I'd just be a heap on the floor. And I don't have the time or space for that to happen, so my automatic reaction is to keep people at bay. To growl at them, and they won't want to get close, and that way I won't have to discover what happens when that last thread snaps.

I don't know if that made any sense at all, but I just know that life is too hard. I'm supposed to be job-hunting and working out what to do with my life, and I'm having enough trouble remembering what my name is and where I'm supposed to be at what time, let alone doing anything that might be considered planning for the future. I barely know what I'm doing tomorrow, let alone next week or next month.

I can't deal with LIFE. I've got nothing. I'm running on empty.

So I'll just sit here on my bed and cry. And maybe in a minute I'll summon up the energy to get on my treadmill, to see if it can distract me for a few minutes and give my body a bit of a kick start.

Cos you had a bad day

I am in a foul mood today. Watch out, because I may just bite.

today

I'm fighting with my lungs to get them to take in enough oxygen.

I'm fighting the desire to call him.

I'm fighing the desire to emotional eat.

I'm winning the middle fight, but I'm not so sure about the other two.

I'm so dizzy

my head is spinning.
Like a whirlpool it never ends.

That song is stuck in my head. But also, I am that dizzy. And it is sightly freaking me out.

HP's Boyfriend's Baptism

I called this post that cos it just amused me to use two apostrophes.

HP's just posted some pics of Barney's baptism. And since I took them, any I posted here would look the same. So why not visit HP and Barney's blog, and you could stop and say hi to them while you're there. (Do you think my clever plan to increase their blog traffic will encourage them to write more often? I sure hope so!)

Tears

Yesterday, having done a lot of thinking, I realised that although the boy is a wonderful, amazing person, who is so on fire for God, and someone who I really respect and trust, he's not the right person for me to be creating a future with.

So I brought things to a halt. Because once I'd come to that decision I didn't want to be leading him on. It was really hard, and I am really upset, but I know that it was the right thing to do.

God has a wonderful plan for my life, and a wonderful plan for his life, but it's not a shared plan.

I guess I just want to tell the boy, if he ever reads this, thank you for giving me a really special two weeks. And thank you for understanding that I had to make this decision. You rock! And I pray that God will bring along the right person for you, in his good and perfect timing.

It's all too much

This morning I feel very close to tears. I think the lack of sleep and constantly being ill and having a crazy schedule have all got too much, and something's gotta give. I would not be at all surprised if I cry before the end of the day. In fact, it might not be a bad thing at all.

I'm off to Cambridge this evening to stay with Bekki for the weekend. I've just gotta make it through the day first. I can so do this. I really can.

If I tell myself that enough times, d'ya think it'll work?
I sure hope.

More Drugs

Just got back from my 6th, 7th? trip to the doctors since I got back from Texas, and am the proud owner of my 4th lot of antibiotics in that same time period, and a referral to the hospital for an urgent chest x-ray.
I am just so sick of being ill. I've had enough now!