Monday and Tuesday this week could be summed up in a couple of words. Pain, sleepiness, and lots of eating. I think the eating was mostly cos I thought I was feeling hungry, but then realised it wasn't hunger I was feeling, more an emptiness inside cos I was missing something.
I heard on Monday, from the garage that was holding my car (and not officially from my insurance company - I only got that letter today!) that it was being written off. I actually cried when I heard the news. I also cried when I caught a bit of this Westlife video as I flicked through the TV channels, and when I read this blog post, so I guess I was just feeling really fragile. I mean, come on, crying at WESTLIFE?! That's just wrong.
I arranged with the garage in Cambridge to go and pick up my car on Wednesday. I was just about to leave to drive to Cambridge and I suddenly freaked out. I couldn't breathe properly, I couldn't think straight. My back and neck went really tense, and I just couldn't cope. And then (and it's ok if you laugh, cos I've laughed about it since!) I caught sight of my little fingers and freaked all over again. I guess that they must be thinner with all my weight loss, but all of a sudden I was convinced that they looked too thin and too tiny and was sure that they were going to snap off any second.
I managed to calm myself down a bit, and then literally talked myself step by step to Cambridge. I just said to myself, all you have to do is walk to your car and get in it, and then when I'd done that I just had to drive to the end of the road... to the A406... onto the Motorway... to the next junction, all the way to Cambridge.
I have driven since the accident, so I think that freaking out was because I would have to drive along the road where I had the accident. As I drove around that roundabout I caught sight of where I ended up on the grass verge, and I just thanked God. Because if we'd hit the kerb with even a little bit more force, we wouldn't have stopped on the grass, we'd have ended up in the ditch beyond, and it all could have been a different story. I thank God for keeping up safe.
I drove to Bekki's and then she came with me to the garage to pick up my stuff out of the car and say goodbye to my car. I took some last few photos of it, and then we went for out for lunch. (Bekki and I, not the car ;-) )
On Thursday I had another mini freak-out. It was while I was waiting for the guys to arrive with my hire car, and I think partly just because I didn't have control over what time it would be arriving, and cos it was a totally new situation to me. I couldn't breathe and my back went all tense again. I calmed myself down, by praying and talking to myself, and luckily the car arrived not long after, and it was all fine.
It just seems like I can't deal with anything to do with the car situation at the moment. Letters and forms to fill in did finally arrive from my insurance company today, but I didn't look at them for too long, because it was all just too much information to take it, and I didn't want to have another freak out!