I need to shut down and go into autopilot. Maybe I already have.
I can't cope with the world at the moment. With life. It just takes too much energy that I haven't got, just to make it out of bed.
Why am I still ill? Why? It's been so long I've almost forgotten what it feels like to wake up and be able to breathe properly. To wake up and feel refreshed and energised and ready for the new day. I wake up and don't feel ready for anything.
I'm in such a bad mood today, and there are probably a million reasons for that, but I think one of them is that if anyone were to actually be nice to me right now, like give me a hug or whatever, I would probably totally lose the plot and explode into tears, and the final few threads that are holding my life together would break, and I'd just be a heap on the floor. And I don't have the time or space for that to happen, so my automatic reaction is to keep people at bay. To growl at them, and they won't want to get close, and that way I won't have to discover what happens when that last thread snaps.
I don't know if that made any sense at all, but I just know that life is too hard. I'm supposed to be job-hunting and working out what to do with my life, and I'm having enough trouble remembering what my name is and where I'm supposed to be at what time, let alone doing anything that might be considered planning for the future. I barely know what I'm doing tomorrow, let alone next week or next month.
I can't deal with LIFE. I've got nothing. I'm running on empty.
So I'll just sit here on my bed and cry. And maybe in a minute I'll summon up the energy to get on my treadmill, to see if it can distract me for a few minutes and give my body a bit of a kick start.