Thursday, May 08, 2008

I'm not coping right now

I need to shut down and go into autopilot. Maybe I already have.
I can't cope with the world at the moment. With life. It just takes too much energy that I haven't got, just to make it out of bed.

Why am I still ill? Why? It's been so long I've almost forgotten what it feels like to wake up and be able to breathe properly. To wake up and feel refreshed and energised and ready for the new day. I wake up and don't feel ready for anything.

I'm in such a bad mood today, and there are probably a million reasons for that, but I think one of them is that if anyone were to actually be nice to me right now, like give me a hug or whatever, I would probably totally lose the plot and explode into tears, and the final few threads that are holding my life together would break, and I'd just be a heap on the floor. And I don't have the time or space for that to happen, so my automatic reaction is to keep people at bay. To growl at them, and they won't want to get close, and that way I won't have to discover what happens when that last thread snaps.

I don't know if that made any sense at all, but I just know that life is too hard. I'm supposed to be job-hunting and working out what to do with my life, and I'm having enough trouble remembering what my name is and where I'm supposed to be at what time, let alone doing anything that might be considered planning for the future. I barely know what I'm doing tomorrow, let alone next week or next month.

I can't deal with LIFE. I've got nothing. I'm running on empty.

So I'll just sit here on my bed and cry. And maybe in a minute I'll summon up the energy to get on my treadmill, to see if it can distract me for a few minutes and give my body a bit of a kick start.


Frankie Kins said...

Debs, have you had your thyroid checked recently? I was sitting here thinking about that. It might explain some of the things you are going through; i.e. running on empty, etc. Just a thought, dear.


Pig wot flies said...

Hugs. I know that feeling.
Have you told the doctors you've seen how you feel mentally, as well as your physical symptoms?

Jennifer-Ancientgamecupboard said...

Oh Sweetie! I wish I could come hug you and let you just crumple for awhile. Lean on Christ and be assured that everything that's happened to you is for your good and His glory. Let it make you long for your Heavenly home.

"My tears have been my food day and night, While they say to me all day long, “Where is your God?” These things I remember and I pour out my soul within me. For I used to go along with the throng and lead them in procession to the house of God, With the voice of joy and Thanksgiving, a multitude keeping festival. Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him For the help of His presence." Ps 42:3-5

Cristina said...

Maybe you just need to let it all out and have a good cry. Don't hold it all in because eventually it has to come out. Have a good cry and maybe you'll start feeling better.
Do talk to your Dr about your feelings though.
Praying for you.