Wednesday, October 29, 2008

The blank page mocks me

I have a bit of a love hate relationship with blogging. I'm sure if I actually had a blackberry or something similar that enabled me to remote post to my blog that it would be very different to how it is now. I'm forever writing beautiful posts in my head when I'm on the bus, or in the car, or pretty much anywhere that isn't in front of the computer, but when it comes to sitting down to type them the ideas vanish into thin air. It's like the blank screen is mocking me, daring me to attempt to make sense of my jumbled thoughts, and then I end up writing random ramblings instead.

In some ways, blogging is like therapy for me, it helps me to sort through my thoughts and try to understand them. The problem with that is that I'm discovering more and more people I know in real life are reading me (of course, it doesn't help that my posts are automatically linked to my facebook account, which means over 200 people that I'm friends with on there could potentially be reading). Besides that, there are people from church, university, old school friends and relations who are all reading (even if they don't leave many comments, hint hint). Sometimes it's easier to imagine I'm writing to an audience who don't actually know me in real life, but even then, I'm pretty close to some of my online friends too.

Of course, I'm not saying stop reading me. Not at all! In fact, if you are reading, that's fantastic, it means that my random ramblings possibly aren't so random after all, or else you just love me cos I am random. Either way, that's fantastic. I guess what I'm saying is that a part of me can understand why people do things like send postcards to PostSecret - the release of anonymously sharing without any concern about come back or consequences. Don't get me wrong, I don't have any huge secrets - I'm not an axe murderer or anything like that! I don't really know what I'm trying to say, so I guess I'll just start a new paragraph.

I guess there's a fine line between the public personal stuff and the private personal stuff. I wrote a post the other day about how my session with the counsellor had gone, but it just felt too personal to put it out there in black and white. I guess that's why people choose to blog about 'other stuff', because they don't want their lives to be out there for people to see. I like that this blog is all about me, and reflects me in lots of different moods, but sometimes I look back and think 'why on earth did I write that?!'

Don't get me wrong, if I didn't want to do it, I wouldn't. I guess I'm just saying, don't think that this is ALL there is to my life, there's lots of other stuff going on, but also, thanks for sharing with me in what I do share. Thanks for looking out for me, for asking me how I'm doing, how things went, how I'm feeling today. Sometimes I'll answer in the public setting, sometimes in a more private setting, but I will answer, as best I can.

See, I had no idea I was going to write all THAT when I started writing. I swear sometimes my fingers have a life of their own.


Kala Pohl Studio said...

Very nice writing, I enjoyed reading it and can sympathise with the blank page of the blog each day:):)

kim* said...

i have SO much to say but little comes out :) but when it comes out i have a lot to say :P

Kathleen said...

As some one who blogs about daily life, I understand where you are coming from. Both on the mind blank when I finally reach my computer to having a lot to say but feeling it may not be appropriate to share with... oh, my aunt or the mothers from preschool. I don't want them reading anything and then thinking about how strange I am the next day when we run into each other.

Stalker said...

The reason I don't keep a blog: other people might read it!