Anyone up for a de-lurk?

Now I know that there are a lot of people who read this blog, and don't ever, or hardly ever comment. Several of my real-life friends had admitted that they've been reading and keeping an eye on me, and that's really cool. Cos it makes life easier when I don't have to tell the same story over and over again. But it'd be nice to just have a little more interaction from y'all.
Please don't make me beg...
(Sending a wave to Suz, Sox, Bud, I&G, Jo, Laura, M, and anyone else... just give me a little wave back, please?!)
(And an extra big wave to Estie, how could I have forgotten you?!)

My poor little car

I just rang my insurance company and they say that the garage have assessed it to be a borderline case, and have referred it back to the insurance company. I really like my car, so I'm praying that they won't write it off, and will fix it up for me. I know it's just a car, and people being safe is more important, and all that, but really, I don't need the hassle of having to buy another car right now.

My bad day...

I had a bit of an accident in my car. Was on a roundabout and lost control of the car, and hit the kerb and went up the grass verge. Everyone in the car seemed alright at the time, and my insurance company are dealing with it now.

Please pray
1. That the car can be repaired, and will be quickly, cos I really need my car.

2. That I’m ok. I’m in a lot of pain, but I think it’s mostly old pain. And shock. And the fact that some guy walked right into me really hard when I was walking along the road, which jarred my back. I’m also feeling cold and shaky, but I think it’s mostly just reaction.

3. That I can get right back on track with my eating tomorrow.

The Worst Day in the World, possibly

I don't want to talk about it.

Cambridge in the Rain

If you've ever wanted to see bits of Cambridge in the rain, but not wanted to get wet, then today could be your chance.
I'm off there for the day with a bunch of people from church. I'll take lots of pics and report back later...

Google Referrals

If I got paid for every person that arrives at my site searching either for the lyrics of a particular Bugsy Malone song, or wondering 'how to put on a duvet' I would be a very rich blogger. However, I had this referral on Friday which I would like to answer personally.

They said "what happens if you miss the eurovision song contest tomorrow?"

I say "I would like to suggest that the world will not end if this tragic event does (did) come to pass."
Unfortunately I did not live-blog the events of this year's contest, but if I might be so forward as to suggest you might be able to satisfy your cravings by reading a blow by blow account of last year's contest. These can be found in my May 2007 archives.

God's on my case

This morning we sang this song - 'You never let go' by Matt Redman. And I just had a sudden realisation that God has got a hold of me, he's never ever going to let me go, however rough or tough or hard things get. God is with me right now, going through the pain and the hurt and the despair, and he's going to bring me through it.

But most of all, what I realised is that I WANT TO LIVE. That was the resolve that started in my mind, and settled as a deep yearning desire in the pit of my stomach. I want to stop just existing through this illness, and instead I want to LIVE. To do more than count off the days, but to live them the best way that I can.

I don't know if that really makes sense, but to me it was like the fog and mist and gloom lifted. I suddenly knew that even if I'm still in the pit, in the dark, I'm not on my own. God is here with me, and he can carry me when I can't make it on my own. In fact, I don't even need to try to make it on my own, cos God is always always always with me. So I am gonna get through this mystery illness, and the pain and hurt, but not by anything I can do, but by the power of God's son, and his death on a cross, for me.

Happy un-Birthday to me

Last night I went to a friend's house to watch the Eurovision Song Contest, and to celbrate my birthday. The lovely Rach even made me a birthday cake.
It was a select gathering on people (I think several people had other plans, it being the bank holiday weekend and all), but Rach and I have plans to make next year's Eurovision Song Contest and Debs' Birthday Party a night to remember...

Update

I did go to the doctors today. But it was pretty much a waste of time. It was a doctor I hadn't seen before, who was very dismissive of the whole thing. Listened to my chest for about 2 seconds before saying it was clear. Well, I could hear myself wheezing, so it definitely wasn't right, even if it was clear of infection.

He said the pain would probably go away by itself, and I said, "um, I've been in constant pain for over a week, do you think we could do something to help it go away?! Cos paracetamol ain't touching it, even though I've been taking 6 or 8 a day (max does 8 in 24 hours).

He wouldn't listen when I asked him about other anti-inflamatories, and ended up giving me inuprofen gel to rub on. I was like "HELLO! I'm allergic to ibuprofen!" I don't know if the gel can/will make me wheezy, but I guess I'll find out.

So yeah, it's all great, huh?!

Testing, Testing

I've dropped the kids off at the house of another lady from church, and they'll hopefully enjoy spending the afternoon there with her and her kids, and I get to come home to my house, and possibly/probably go to sleep.

So, I decided today was the day to experiment with delayed posting (or whatever the proper name for it is) when you schedule your posts to appear at a certain time. So this will hopefully appear while I'm sleeping, and I will come back later once I've woken up, and check.

So pretty much, you can just ignore this post. I guess I should have put that disclaimer at the beginning. Oh well, thanks for reading!

Friday Morning

Ok, so in case you've missed the fact that I'm still ill, or are totally distraught that the lack of updates as to my well-being, I'm going to talk all about me for a paragraph or two...

I'm still ill. Still in pain - the same pain that took me to A&E last Thursday (over a week ago). I'm going to ring the doctors in about 10 minutes, when they open, to see if there's any chance of them fitting me in today. Cos Monday is a bank holiday, and it'll be another 3 days until they're open, and when they are there are likely to be many many people trying to get appointments. Cos that's the way it seems to go with doctor's appointments!

I'm allergic to ibuprofen and co-codamol and aspirin, which had left me with paracetamol, and that doesn't seem to do anything for the pain. I was chatting with a friend of mine of facebook the other day, and she's similar to me, in that she's allergic to lots of stuff. Anyway, she's given me the name of an anti-inflammatory that she can take, so I shall take that with me when I go. (And if they can fit me in to have an appointment this morning, then I will also be taking R&D with me. R&D are two children that I'm looking after this morning, because their school is having an INSET day - which stands for something, but basically means that the teachers go in and the kids don't!)

Um, so there you have it. I'm still really really tired. I'm meant to be going out for a meal to celebrate a friend's birthday tonight, but I cancelled it, because I'm also supposed to be going out to a girly evening tomorrow night - to watch the Eurovision Song Contest, and also celebrate my birthday. And I figured if I was going to go out to celebrate a birthday at any point this weekend, it probably ought to be mine that I saved my energy for!

Update: I rang the doctors and they can fit me in this morning. Means I will have to take R&D with me, but still, maybe they'll be able to give me something for the pain.

Making Pumpkin Muffins - new, adapted version*

* The new adapted version bit being to do with having to amuse a 12 month old at the same time. Please be assured that all mess was cleared up at the end of making these muffins.

The events portrayed here took place a couple of weeks ago. Little Flower's Mum needed to get some important work done at home, and while Little One was at playgroup for the morning, Little Flower really needed to be taken out of the way, so I agreed to have her at my house for the morning.

I had also decided that I needed to get on with making pumpkin muffins, and figured that it ought to be possible to do that at the same time, right? I had my can of pumpkin (which had been found in the cupboard of one of Bekki's friends, and had been offered to me as he didn't want it)Unfortunately, Little Flower was having one of those days where all is well, so long as she was being held in my arms. (And even an mad antics didn't seem to improve her mood).Still, I think we got on ok, on the whole. I can, after all, crack eggs one-handed, with either hand, and what other skills could you possibly need to make pumpkin muffins?!

She really wasn't convinced, but did let me put her down when I was having to do things like dealing with the oven. And I did provide her with lots of exciting things to play with.As this picture shows (you can click for a larger version) she had, (from far left, continuing towards us), a towel, a pair of garden shoes, a bottle of juice, a stick previously used for opening paint tins, a fly swatter, a plastic bowl, a set of measuring spoons, a sock (she was wearing the other one still), a plastic cup, an apple (which I removed after she'd thrown it on the floor), a little stall to sit on, and a radio to fiddle with (located on the chair that can just be seen in the foreground on the left) a whole bunch of fridge magnets, and an open washing machine. What more could you possibly want? Oh, and a handful of sultanas, which she liberally scattered all over the room, and I then swept up.

I have to say, we made a great team!

(I appear to have not yet uploaded the photos of the finished product, but I can assure you that they taste delicious. Even the last few I made, when I'd run out of space in the tins, and had to just put the mixture in cake cases there were loose on a baking sheet. The only thing I have to say about those particular few, is that if I ever want to make realistic looking fake dog-do, then I'll know how to do it. They tasted yummy though ;-) )

Random thought

which just occurred to me, and will now bother me for ages unless I share it.

You may or may not know this little ditty

"Oh dear, what can the matter be?
Three old ladies, stuck in the lavatory.
They were there from Monday to Saturday.
Nobody knew they were there.

They promised to go to tea with the vicar,
They went in together, they thought it was quicker.
How could they know that the lock was a sticker?
And nobody knew they were there."

This is the thought which just occurred to me - if they'd promised to go to tea with the vicar, then surely HE knew they were there, and would have (or ought to have) sent out a search party to look for them?!

Seriously, who is that?

This is me is a fitting room in my local Sainsbury Supermarket. Wearing size 16 clothes. And if I hadn't been there to take the pictures, I would not recognise that this were me. Who am I?
(I bought the outfit (jeans and t-shirt), and with sales and using my storecard points I ended up paying £7.50 total. Bargain, I'd say)

Monday Morning

Monday's come around again, and I still have a ton of photos on my camera, which i need to upload before I can tell you about any of them. Well, I think I have told you about them, but promised you pictures, and then didn't follow through. Things like Steve's baptism (although HP posted some of my pics, so that's ok) and my MA graduation, and goodness knows what else. This evening I will try to upload them, and see what other surprises my camera has in store.

In the meantime, since it's been so long since I put any pics on my blog, and since I'm lacking in brain power and pain-free-ness to write any proper content, here we have an assorted random selection from the archives.

This is outside the Bethnal Green Museum of Childhood. You can't really see me properly, but I like the way the sky looks behind!
This was after Barney (HP's boyfriend) was baptised. Here I think I'm showing HP the photos I managed to take of it happening. My Mum was ovbiously aware my Dad was taking a picture, but I wasn't, I don't think!
This in upstairs, inside the Museum of Childhood. This is what I hope the tops of my legs will be like when I get to my goal weight! This is in the afternoon on the day of Barney's baptism. HP's shoes had hurt her, so she was having a piggy-back ride. I have the opposite version of this picture (well, you can see me taking a picture here) which I will share at some point, when I can find it can be seen below!

Happy Birthday to me

;-)

I slept

from 7am to 10am. Three hours sleep is not enough. But I jus couldn't make my body switch off and go to sleep. I think napping may well be the order of the day.

It still hurts

Well, on Wednesday morning I woke up with pain in my back (behind my lungs), but it went away after a little while, so I just assumed that I'd slept funny, and got on with my day (including half an hour on the treadmill). That evening the pain came back in my back, and across my chest too, and got worse as the evening went on. I wasn't too worried about it, as I just assumed that it was the pleurisy pain that the doctors kept asking me if I had. I took paracetamol and took myself off to bed.

Thursday morning I woke up with the pain still, and I'd already decided it would be a good idea to right the doctor and she if he could fit me in. The doctor I've seen the last few times wasn't on call, and they actually weren't able to fit me in for an appointment. However, they said that they'd get a doctor to give me a call back. The doctor that called was the one who prescribed me the steroids a few weeks back, so at least he knew a little bit of my case history. He seemed a bit put out that the steroids hadn't worked! Anyway, he told me that he wanted me to go to the walk-in centre at my local hospital to get a chest x-ray done. So off I went.

They've changed it all around since I was last there, but I think they assess you when you go in, and decide if you need to go through to A&E (like ER) or whether you should me seen by someone in the GP clinic. They put me through to the GP clinic first of all, and I saw a doctor there. After telling my history, and him listening to my chest, he told me that he was pretty sure that I didn't have a collapsed lung,or anything like that, but that he would refer me through to A&E if I wanted to, or he would let me go home. Having already been there about an hour, I thought I might as well go on through for the chest x-ray, cos they might be able to point to something causing the pain that couldn't be heard so well, but showed up on the x-ray.

Ok, better speed up the story cos it's getting long. They did urine and blood tests, and an ECG to check I wasn't having a heart attack. They also did the chest x-ray and a physical examination. And basically most things came back clear - I wasn't having a heart attack, the blood results showed no signs of clots. So it came down to just being swelling where the ribcage and muscles meet - which would explain why I have it front and back. It's the sort of thing that occurs when infection gets in, and the fact that I have this constant cough won't be doing anything to help it.

I'm allergic to ibuprofen, so all I can take is paracetamol. Which doesn't seem to do a lot for it. So I've pretty much been in pain all day, and spent much of it feeling dizzy and exhausted too. I'm basically just taking it easy, and hoping the pain will go away soon. I'll keep you posted.

Today

I spent five hours in A&E (ER to some of you).
I'm ok, or as ok as I can be. And I will tell you more about it tomorrow. But now I must go to bed.

I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it

It's amazing the range of different emotions a person can feel in one day. Today I think I've felt everything, almost.

Happiness, when I got off the treadmill after my first work out in over a week.

Annoyance, when I realised the chili con carne that was supposed to have been cooking nicely in the crock pot for the past 5 hours, actually wasn't cooking, cos I hadn't turned the switch on at the wall.

Worry - this morning I had this real sense of foreboding in the pit of my stomach, it was almost making me feel physically sick, and I couldn't even put my finger on why I was feeling like that.

Sadness, when I stopped to wonder if I will ever stop feeling ill and down, and be back to my usual happy self.

Pain - when I woke up this morning I had pain in my back, about where my lungs are. It didn't last too long, and I was feeling lots better by the time I got on my treadmill (and I do listen to my body, and wouldn't have got on it if I didn't think I was ok to do so).

Hope - I know that things won't be like this forever, they will get better. I just have to keep plodding, and see how it goes.

I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it. Even if everything seems to have crumbled right now, I'll take it one brick at a time and start re-building.

Sandpit

I'm the one on the right at the back. This is from around 1987 (I was 4 or 5).

Just the outfit you want to be wearing on a really hot day...

Yesterday was my MA graduation in Cambridge. I have some stories to tell about it, but in the meantime, here are a couple of pics to be going on with.

e-mail

This is from an email I just wrote to a friend of mine, but it says it all really, so I'm not going to re-type it for the blog, just copy and paste. Sorry, just that means I can have more sleep time!

Well I just got back from the doctors. I was that annoying person that spends 45 minutes with the doctor, in what was meant to be a 10 minute slot, so got some lovely dirty looks from people as I came out!

Well, basically, we're not really any further forward with it all yet, but we're taking steps to get
more information -

The chest x-ray results came back, and although they showed something, they were fairly inconclusive. The doctor is sending me for a CT scan and an MRI to try to get a clearer picture of what's going on in there. So for those he sends off the referrals, and they'll contact me to make an appointment. So prayers that they come through quickly would be great.

He listened to my chest and lungs again and didn't look too happy - there's still freaky stuff going on it there, but we'll have to wait for further test results.

He's given me a 5th course of antibiotics (10 days worth this time), and told me to start it on Monday (cos i only finished the last lot yesterday). We don't have much hope of them doing anything, but it's just another stab at whatever it is that's taken over my lungs!

I talked to him about the depression and tiredness and mouth ulcers, and although we didn't exactly come up with any answers, it was just good to feel like he's on my side, and we will get this sorted out, eventually! It's the third time I've seen him since it all started (I saw him when i first got back and was having all those problems with my ears popping) so i feel like he knows me and knows my situation, even if we don't have a clue what the problem is!

Um, he's also given me a referral to the chest and respiratory unit at the hospital. Well, with this new 'patient choose and book system' he's actually given me a couple of different places, and i have to pick one and ring them on Monday to make an appointment. But anyway, that might be another person to bring some light on the situation, so pray for a quick referral there too.

That's it really. Mentally I think I'm doing ok today. I'm at a point where I know that I want to fight this, I want to LIVE and not just exist and drift. I'm still totally shattered, and could easily go back to bed. In fact I may do just that. But it feels like there's potential for light at the end of the tunnel.

Finally, I talked to the doctor about the possibility of it being glandular fever, but we're going to put that theory on the back burner for the moment. Because although I am fatigued and getting depressed, the other symptoms don't really fit. We'll wait for other test results to come back before we try that road!

Friday

In a way this is a post about nothing.
I'm off to the doctors in about 15 minutes, and I hope and pray that he will be able to give me some answers.
I'm feeling a bit brighter mentally today, although maybe I'm just so tired I don't have the energy to think about how I feel.

I wrote the following to some friends of mine yesterday, and I guess it sums up wher I'm at at the moment:

Yeah, I haven’t got any answers, but I just don’t care for the moment! Must be all those people praying for me.I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, but one thing I do know. I want to LIVE. As in, do more than just exist and drift. Does that make sense?So I’m gonna fight for energy, and fight for my mental attitude, and just keep taking it minute by minute, day by day, but try to enjoy the ride.
I have no idea quite what I’m rambling on about. But hey, I’m doing ok. Ish

I'm not coping right now

I need to shut down and go into autopilot. Maybe I already have.
I can't cope with the world at the moment. With life. It just takes too much energy that I haven't got, just to make it out of bed.

Why am I still ill? Why? It's been so long I've almost forgotten what it feels like to wake up and be able to breathe properly. To wake up and feel refreshed and energised and ready for the new day. I wake up and don't feel ready for anything.

I'm in such a bad mood today, and there are probably a million reasons for that, but I think one of them is that if anyone were to actually be nice to me right now, like give me a hug or whatever, I would probably totally lose the plot and explode into tears, and the final few threads that are holding my life together would break, and I'd just be a heap on the floor. And I don't have the time or space for that to happen, so my automatic reaction is to keep people at bay. To growl at them, and they won't want to get close, and that way I won't have to discover what happens when that last thread snaps.

I don't know if that made any sense at all, but I just know that life is too hard. I'm supposed to be job-hunting and working out what to do with my life, and I'm having enough trouble remembering what my name is and where I'm supposed to be at what time, let alone doing anything that might be considered planning for the future. I barely know what I'm doing tomorrow, let alone next week or next month.

I can't deal with LIFE. I've got nothing. I'm running on empty.

So I'll just sit here on my bed and cry. And maybe in a minute I'll summon up the energy to get on my treadmill, to see if it can distract me for a few minutes and give my body a bit of a kick start.

Cos you had a bad day

I am in a foul mood today. Watch out, because I may just bite.

today

I'm fighting with my lungs to get them to take in enough oxygen.

I'm fighting the desire to call him.

I'm fighing the desire to emotional eat.

I'm winning the middle fight, but I'm not so sure about the other two.

I'm so dizzy

my head is spinning.
Like a whirlpool it never ends.

That song is stuck in my head. But also, I am that dizzy. And it is sightly freaking me out.

HP's Boyfriend's Baptism

I called this post that cos it just amused me to use two apostrophes.

HP's just posted some pics of Barney's baptism. And since I took them, any I posted here would look the same. So why not visit HP and Barney's blog, and you could stop and say hi to them while you're there. (Do you think my clever plan to increase their blog traffic will encourage them to write more often? I sure hope so!)

Tears

Yesterday, having done a lot of thinking, I realised that although the boy is a wonderful, amazing person, who is so on fire for God, and someone who I really respect and trust, he's not the right person for me to be creating a future with.

So I brought things to a halt. Because once I'd come to that decision I didn't want to be leading him on. It was really hard, and I am really upset, but I know that it was the right thing to do.

God has a wonderful plan for my life, and a wonderful plan for his life, but it's not a shared plan.

I guess I just want to tell the boy, if he ever reads this, thank you for giving me a really special two weeks. And thank you for understanding that I had to make this decision. You rock! And I pray that God will bring along the right person for you, in his good and perfect timing.

It's all too much

This morning I feel very close to tears. I think the lack of sleep and constantly being ill and having a crazy schedule have all got too much, and something's gotta give. I would not be at all surprised if I cry before the end of the day. In fact, it might not be a bad thing at all.

I'm off to Cambridge this evening to stay with Bekki for the weekend. I've just gotta make it through the day first. I can so do this. I really can.

If I tell myself that enough times, d'ya think it'll work?
I sure hope.

More Drugs

Just got back from my 6th, 7th? trip to the doctors since I got back from Texas, and am the proud owner of my 4th lot of antibiotics in that same time period, and a referral to the hospital for an urgent chest x-ray.
I am just so sick of being ill. I've had enough now!