I don't think I realised quite how hard mentally I would find being pregnant. It's getting my head around getting fat again that I'm finding really hard. I've got the hang of the wacky hormones - I know that I'm liable to cry at just about anything, especially when I'm upset (and poor M is getting to grips with that too!) and I can't read half the articles in my pregnancy magazines without welling up with tears, but that's ok.
But what I don't think I've got the hang of is the fact that my body is changing, and changing in ways that I can't control. Before I got pregnant I had put some weight back on, partly from the bad sprain I did to my ankle last summer and the lack of exercise, and partly from slipping into bad habits. But I felt like I could still control it, I could get the weight back off if I put my head and heart into it. But now this bump is here and growing, and it's not going to get any smaller until after the baby is born.
Sometimes I look in the mirror and I love the baby bump that I see. It feels good. Other times I look in the mirror and I just can't quite deal with the fact that my tummy is getting huge. I was weighed the other day when I registered with a new doctor, and I've put on about 20lb in 28 weeks (well, actually in about 20, since my booking in appointment, but anyway). I couldn't really get my head around whether that was good or not. On one hand it was less that I was expecting, on the other it sounded a huge amount. I did read in a book about pregnancy that on average people put on about 20lb in that same period, which was comforting, but I also know that I wasn't necessarily 'average' before I got pregnant.
What I need to do is accept the situation and live with it. I can work on eating more healthily and try to exercise more, but I can't really change the situation. Besides, I am pregnant and you put on weight when you're pregnant. There's a baby growing inside of me, and since it's getting bigger, my stomach will be getting bigger too.
I guess at the end of the day I'm probably always going to have issues with food on some level or other. I'm working on my self image, and it has improved beyond measure, but it's still unstable at times. I need to accept that I am growing a baby, and that that is a beautiful thing to be doing. There's a life developing inside of me, and it's really exciting. I'm sure I'll continue to freak out about it at times, but at least I'm aware of my potential to do that!