So confused, my heart's bruised. Was I ever loved by you?

One of the things I've learnt about myself recently is that I'm very needy when it comes to wanting reassurance from friends and family. I need to be told that I'm loved, that I'm doing ok, that I'm needed. I don't really know it that's a good thing or a bad thing.

On the one hand, I luckily have great friends who are constantly telling me that they love me, that I'm beautiful, that the world would be a sadder place without me. On the other hand, I know that I need to be finding my assurance not in other people, but in God, and my identity in him. Once again it comes down to the fact that I need to stop looking to other people to fulfill me, to tell me that I'm loved, and look to God.

God will never leave me, nor forsake me. God is always there. My identity is secure in God. I never have any need to doubt that God loves me. God sent his Son to die for me while I was still a sinner, that I might be adopted into his family, and never again have to doubt that am I loved.
I know that I don't remind myself of that enough, so I have a feeling that a fair few posts may turn out to be related to this topic as I try to work through stuff in my head.

"Single right now, that's how I wanna be" or not?

Don't need to be on somebody's arm to look good 
I'm not saying I don't wanna fall in love, 'cause I would 
I'm not gonna get hooked up just cause you say I should 
I'm gonna wait so I'm sorry if you misunderstood
('Single' by Natasha Bedingfield)

Last night I watched Bridget Jones' Diary on television. I've seen it plenty of times before, but it got me thinking a bit about singleness and singletons (A self-description of individuals without romantic partners, particularly applied to women in their thirties introduced in the novel and film). Then an article in the Times Magazine form yesterday's paper turned that thought into the seed for a blog post. I'm also conducting a little market research over on the etsy forums. I'll throw in a random quotation from the article in The Times between every paragraph, to give you some food for thought!

There is so much stuff out there about singleness. A commenter on an earlier post told me to embrace my singleness. But what does that mean? How can I embrace my singleness? What are the differences between being single and being in a relationship? I have a feeling that this post may turn into one of those 'how long is a piece of string' type deals, but it'd be great to hear your opinions on some of these matters.

"That's the truth about being single; it can be horrendous, only I'm not allowed to admit it"

Being single all you have to think about is yourself. There's no one else to consider, no one else's feelings to be mindful of. You can jump on a plane and backpack across Australia, go scuba diving in the Caribbean, not worry when your pay check is spent and all you have is baked beans in the cupboard... So, why aren't I out there doing those things? I'm single, I have no responsibilities, why am I stuck here at home being boring and waiting for a man to come along? (Not strictly true, but to emphasise my point!) What am I doing with my life? How can I use my life better to achieve something, rather than waiting around for someone else? Surely I need to discover my own identity first, rather than hanging about for someone else to fulfill me.

"Prevailing 21st century thought [...] is trying to convince me that being single is the best thing that can happen to a person."

Several of the people who responded on etsy were single people who told me they thought singleness was a blessing. That they had too much 'baggage' of their own to go into a relationship with someone else. At what point does a person make that observation about themself? When does the thinking shift from 'when he comes along' to 'I don't want him to come along'. Is is even that they would turn down a relationship if the opportunity for one arose, or is it an excuse that people tell themselves enough times that they begin to believe it?

"The loneliness, the effort, that musty smell in your flat because you spend too much time in it [...] that's all in your mind. A fabrication. You're not bored, you just think you're bored because being single is fabulous! There are more than 3 million single people living in Britain today - everyone's at it, why not join in the fun?"

Personally, I'm single at the moment. I'd like to spend my time being single to achieve something. But, I have to admit that I don't want to stay single forever. I do want to do the wife and mother thing. I feel like a part of me would fail to be satisfied if that doesn't happen for me. I want to know the intimate more than friendship kind of relationship that comes with being married (As I've said before, I'm a Christian, and believe in sex only within a marital context. I'm sorry if other people don't agree, but this is my blog!)

I've always been one of those 'good with kids' type of people. I would love to have a chance to use those skills to care for my own children. I appreciate that I've just made the leap from being single to having kids, but for me, part of being in a relationship, specifically marriage is to procreate.

"If only there were some service that would reliably predict when any period of non-voluntary solitude would end, it would cut out the anxiety and allow single people to enjoy the good things about their lives: increased lucidity, productivity, creativity and self-awareness."

I don't think I've come to any conclusions at all here. I guess maybe I'm still confused about it all, or I'm just playing devil's advocate. But what do you think? Singleness, a blessing or a curse? Or something inbetween? If you're single, how do you embrace that singleness? If you're not, what should I be doing to embrace mine? And finally, anyone know any tall cute single christian men? ;)

who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?

That seems a very cynical way to start a blog post, but since I started using lines from that song, I decided to continue.

I'm also watching Bridget Jones' Diary at the same time as blogging. So who knows what'll come out of my mouth, or should that be fingers?

Actually, blatantly this is not going to manage to be a hard hitting serious blog post. So I'll go for rabbiting vaguely....

"I like you just the way you are" (as said by Mark to Bridget). What an amazing line :)

I'm really convinced I'm a hot tub person really. It's been fun using it while I'm here housesitting, but I don't think I'd want to have one all the time. Although it'd be more fun if I had someone else to go in it with me!

Ok, brain's gone dead. I'm gonna hit post and go back to watching the film...

I've got to do what?

Recently I've been thinking a lot about my self worth and self image and self esteem. Over the last year and a half I've lost about 6 stone (84lb) in weight. Having been overweight all my life, I'm experiencing real freedom both physically and emotionally as I've changed. I would say that I have more confidence in myself, I'm more likely to give things a go rather than shy away, I generally like what I see when I look in the mirror.

However, I know I still have lots of self worth issues to work through. One good friend of mine constantly tells me that I'm beautiful. Some days I'm willing to believe that, but others I wonder how on earth they can say that. He says I should tell myself that until I believe it. The problem is I've had years of mentally writing myself off, of lacking confidence in myself, of hating who I was and how I looked. Things are getting better, but it still needs work.

I was reading a book the other day which mentioned the following bible verses. Most people would probably focus on the first part of what Jesus says, and that's right and good to do that, but this book was drawing out the second commandment.

Matthew 22:37-39
Jesus replied: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbour as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."

'Love your neighbour as yourself'. I don't know how many times I've read or heard that said, but I've never grasped it the way they were explaining it in this book. 'Love you neighbour', I can grasp that and do that fine, but 'as yourself'? Wait a second? It says I have to love myself. It's a commandment from God that I should do that. If I don't love myself I'm doing an injustice to God. I'm belittling something that God has made and loves and honours highly. One of the things I want to do more of the next few days and weeks is to look at my position in God's eyes. I know that God loves me, but I don't think I understand fully what that means. I want to look at scripture and the things it says about me and meditate more upon it.

Stuck in a moment, and I can't get out if it

Yesterday I met up with a guy from church to talk about how my life is at the moment, and what I should be doing to get on with my life. As far at the conversation went, it was good. I need to get myself motivated and get on with life. Stop just existing and go back to living. That means finding a job that's more than a couple of days a week, and potentially moving out from home again. (I lived away from home the year after university, but when that job came to an end I had to move back to live with my parents for financial reasons)

But somehow it didn't meet the greater itch. I have lots of stuff inside my head that needs to come out. But I play stupid games like the other person has to ask the right questions before I will let it out. That doesn't work, cos how on earth would they know the right questions to ask anyway?! And all that does is leave me hating myself even more and feeling even worse. It's a no win situation. And I'm sick of playing games. I'm gonna try to be real about how I'm feeling, if anyone cares enough to ask.

what's love, but a secondhand emotion?

There are so many songs about love. The one I have in my head at the moment is The Elephant Love Medley from Moulin Rouge. It's all so 'perfect'. In the course of a song the guy persuades the girl to fall in love with him, or at least sleep with him. There are songs about love working out, there are songs about love and love affairs ending. There are songs for just about every aspect of love that you can think of. Or at least the different aspects of the 'eros' physical sexual kind of love.

But love isn't just about sex. Sure, I've heard that it's good, and definitely not to be sneezed at in the right time and place, but love is so much more than that. Like I said yesterday, there are different types of love. Within a marriage* there needs to be more than sex to hold the relationship together. Anyway, I'm not entirely sure how I got on to talking about sex, but lets move on.

Right now I'm in the position that I've had one boyfriend, ever. I'm 26 right now, so yes, I guess that's pretty uncommon. But that's ok with me. To be honest, I think being overweight (obese, to be precise) while I was going through my teen years was probably a life saver for me. I never had to go through the mental struggles of dating and getting close to someone at a time in my life when I wasn't ready physically or mentally for things like marriage. Now that I'm 26 I feel like I am ready when/if the situation arises. Of course what I need now is for a nice guy to come along, but in the meanwhile I'm trying, with God's help, to be happy with my situation as it stands.

I know that my identity, my sense of worth won't be found through meeting a nice guy, getting married and having babies. I know that I need to find my identity before all of that, that other people can't show me who am I. This is where I start getting 'religious', so please bear with me, or go read something else if you're not in the mood ;)

I believe that my identity is in God. It's something so big, so great that I'm not sure I can actually begin to talk about it at the moment. It feels like it needs its own blog post - maybe tomorrow! In the meantime, I'll leave you with some words from this song 'Befriended' by Matt Redman.

Astounded, astounded that Your gospel beckoned me
Surrounded, surrounded but I've never been so free,
Determined, determined now to live this life for You
You're so worthy my greatest gift would be the least You're due

This blog post went off in a completly differnet direction to that which I was expecting, but that's ok. I'll post it anyway!

* I'm a Christian and believe that sex should only take place within marriage. I respect that my readers may not agree, but please keep it civil in the comments, and note that I will delete any inappropriate comments as I see fit

What's love got to do, got to do with it?

I've been tossing this post around in my head for ages now, and I'm still not convinced it'll come out in a way that's coherent, but I'll give it a go.

This morning when I arrived to look after Little One and Little Flower, they both shrieked with joy and yelled my name. Little Flower has only recently started saying my name, so that's pretty exciting too. That's gotta be love, they way they get excited when they see me. And I love them to bits. It's been an amazing privilege to be a part of their lives, and know that I helped teach Little One to count, that I've made an impact on their lives.

On my last Sunday before I went to Texas, the head of the children's work at church called me out to get the kids to pray for me. I was amazed how when she asked them to raise their hand if they'd ever been taught by me or babysit, or cared for by me, more than half the room (there were probably 60 kids) raised their hands. I didn't realise that I had been a part of some many different people's lives.

That's the thing about life. No man is an island. Everyone is connected to other people in some way. Even if a person has no close family, there are usually people in their life that they are close to, that they love and are loved by.

When the boy and I broke up, I remember having a day where I wondered why people bother loving others, when all it leads to is hurt. I think that's when this post started percolating in my head. It took me a little while, but I realised that to love is to live. Unless we love other people, in whatever form that love may take, we don't really know what it is to be alive, to be human.

I think one of the things I've learnt, or maybe been reminded of over the last few weeks and months, is all the different ways that you can love. It might sound shocking at face value if I were to tell you that absolutely I love The Boy to bits, he's great, I can't say enough good things about him. But, that's as a friend. He's an amazing guy, he's a great friend. He's always going to have been my first boyfriend, and there's a special place in my heart for him because of that. but more than that, I had the privilege to get to know him personally for a few weeks, and out of that I got to catch a glimpse of how amazingly on fire for God he is, and his genuine concern and affection for others. Don't get me wrong, I'm not putting him on a pedestal, or saying that he's faultless, or anything like that, I'm just trying to explain how it's possible for me to be able to say I love him still.

One of the great things I love about being part of the blogging community, and also the community over on Etsy, is that I can honestly say that I love people I've never met. Which is a really strange, almost mad thing to say, I guess. But somehow, blogging and other similar online activities connects people. It allows people a chance to get to know one another, to develop friendships, and to share in each others happiness and pain.

I have some other things to say, but I think I might make them another post. In the meantime, leave me a post and tell me who you love, and why. Or just drop by and say hi. (Consider yourself prompted to de-lurk!)

sheesh

I need to blog more often

Fingerprint Friday

I'm not sure I'm gonna do a very good job at explaining this, so go read Beki's post, and then come back. I'll be here, waiting for you.

You back? Ok.

I look after the Little Flower a couple of days a week, and I thank God for the opportunity to be a part of her and her brother lives. I've had the chance to watch them grow and learn and change. God's fingerprints are all over her.

:)

Happened on the walk to playgroup with Little One yesterday morning.
Sorry for sharing slightly TMI, but it's necessary for you to understand the situation ;)

Me: Mind out for the dog poo, Little One.

Little One stops and gazes at the poo for a very long time. (It was small lumps of poo, rather than one big blob)

Little One: Debbie, that's not dog poo, it's sheep poo.

Of course it is, from all those sheep on the loose in London ;)

Pictures from Brighton

I uploaded a bunch of my photos to flickr. Rather than upload them here too, I'll just leave you a link. You can click on any image to see a bigger version.
Look here

Hope for the Hopeless (aka ME)

These past few months I've been feeling pretty low, as you know. This morning I was in a session with a talk by David Stroud on a passage from 1 Samuel about Jonathan, the son of King Saul, and his armour bearer.
Anyway, I left that session with a renewed sense of hope. I felt like I was stuck at the bottom of a big pit, and I couldn't get out. (the following is what I wrote to a friend earlier)

"I'm slowly learning that that's not the case. That God has a purpose for my life. That my life matters. That I am special. It's just a bit of a hard time trying to persuade myself that that's true. For so much of my life I've had such love self value, it's not something that can change over night. But I'm trying, and God's doing stuff in me that's changing me into a new person. I do feel like I'm a different person to what i was a year ago, and it's not just the losing weight thing, although that's a big difference on the outside."

I'm not actually here

I was getting twitchy, so had to make use of the free internet access and come check my emails etc.
Just thought I'd pop in and say hi, and tell you that the conference is going great. The first talk was pretty hard hitting, and lots to process, so I think it's going to be a fairly intensive week. Hopefully I'll have enough energy - physical and emotional to last it out.

Out of office announcement

From this evening (Monday) until Friday evening I will be away in Brighton for the New Frontiers Leadership conference. I may be able to check in at some point, but in case I don't, I will wish you a good week, and hopefully catch up with you all soon.

Pics from the 80's hen party last night

I love these guys (Little One and LIttle Flower)

Me, today (very tired)

I like this in a mirror version. 'tis cool

601

That's how many posts I've written on this blog. Wow, that's an awful lot of talking about nothing much ;)

A few photographs from Saturday.
The now traditional 'in a mirror' shot.Me, laughingThe beautiful bride
The very happy groom
The first dance

The Verdict

I'm going to go ahead and send it anyway. Cos it seems ok to me, and people might be disappointed otherwise.
Just have to get my butt in gear and actually get it packaged up and go to the post office...

(Will hopefully post more on my poor neglected blog soon. Just been busy elsewhere.. I'm going to a wedding on Saturday, so I'm sure I'll post pics from that...)

You can't send chocolate to the US

This sucks.
I have an etsy friend I intended to send a little care package of typically British fare, in the form of an assortment of chocolate bars. However, I have come into difficulties with new licensing laws which stop the import of any foodstuff in to the USA without proper a proper license.
Pants :-(

Now I shall have to come up with something else that is typically British, but not food. Any thoughts?

Edited:
Now wait just a second, we may have found some legislation that makes it ok after all....