which just occurred to me, and will now bother me for ages unless I share it.
You may or may not know this little ditty
"Oh dear, what can the matter be?
Three old ladies, stuck in the lavatory.
They were there from Monday to Saturday.
Nobody knew they were there.
They promised to go to tea with the vicar,
They went in together, they thought it was quicker.
How could they know that the lock was a sticker?
And nobody knew they were there."
This is the thought which just occurred to me - if they'd promised to go to tea with the vicar, then surely HE knew they were there, and would have (or ought to have) sent out a search party to look for them?!
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Seriously, who is that?
This is me is a fitting room in my local Sainsbury Supermarket. Wearing size 16 clothes. And if I hadn't been there to take the pictures, I would not recognise that this were me. Who am I?(I bought the outfit (jeans and t-shirt), and with sales and using my storecard points I ended up paying £7.50 total. Bargain, I'd say)
Monday, May 19, 2008
Monday Morning
Monday's come around again, and I still have a ton of photos on my camera, which i need to upload before I can tell you about any of them. Well, I think I have told you about them, but promised you pictures, and then didn't follow through. Things like Steve's baptism (although HP posted some of my pics, so that's ok) and my MA graduation, and goodness knows what else. This evening I will try to upload them, and see what other surprises my camera has in store.
In the meantime, since it's been so long since I put any pics on my blog, and since I'm lacking in brain power and pain-free-ness to write any proper content, here we have an assorted random selection from the archives.
This is outside the Bethnal Green Museum of Childhood. You can't really see me properly, but I like the way the sky looks behind!
This was after Barney (HP's boyfriend) was baptised. Here I think I'm showing HP the photos I managed to take of it happening. My Mum was ovbiously aware my Dad was taking a picture, but I wasn't, I don't think!
This in upstairs, inside the Museum of Childhood. This is what I hope the tops of my legs will be like when I get to my goal weight!
This is in the afternoon on the day of Barney's baptism. HP's shoes had hurt her, so she was having a piggy-back ride. I have the opposite version of this picture (well, you can see me taking a picture here) which I will share at some point, when I can find it can be seen below!
In the meantime, since it's been so long since I put any pics on my blog, and since I'm lacking in brain power and pain-free-ness to write any proper content, here we have an assorted random selection from the archives.
This is outside the Bethnal Green Museum of Childhood. You can't really see me properly, but I like the way the sky looks behind!
This was after Barney (HP's boyfriend) was baptised. Here I think I'm showing HP the photos I managed to take of it happening. My Mum was ovbiously aware my Dad was taking a picture, but I wasn't, I don't think!
This in upstairs, inside the Museum of Childhood. This is what I hope the tops of my legs will be like when I get to my goal weight!
This is in the afternoon on the day of Barney's baptism. HP's shoes had hurt her, so she was having a piggy-back ride. I have the opposite version of this picture (well, you can see me taking a picture here) which 
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Saturday, May 17, 2008
I slept
from 7am to 10am. Three hours sleep is not enough. But I jus couldn't make my body switch off and go to sleep. I think napping may well be the order of the day.
It still hurts
Well, on Wednesday morning I woke up with pain in my back (behind my lungs), but it went away after a little while, so I just assumed that I'd slept funny, and got on with my day (including half an hour on the treadmill). That evening the pain came back in my back, and across my chest too, and got worse as the evening went on. I wasn't too worried about it, as I just assumed that it was the pleurisy pain that the doctors kept asking me if I had. I took paracetamol and took myself off to bed.
Thursday morning I woke up with the pain still, and I'd already decided it would be a good idea to right the doctor and she if he could fit me in. The doctor I've seen the last few times wasn't on call, and they actually weren't able to fit me in for an appointment. However, they said that they'd get a doctor to give me a call back. The doctor that called was the one who prescribed me the steroids a few weeks back, so at least he knew a little bit of my case history. He seemed a bit put out that the steroids hadn't worked! Anyway, he told me that he wanted me to go to the walk-in centre at my local hospital to get a chest x-ray done. So off I went.
They've changed it all around since I was last there, but I think they assess you when you go in, and decide if you need to go through to A&E (like ER) or whether you should me seen by someone in the GP clinic. They put me through to the GP clinic first of all, and I saw a doctor there. After telling my history, and him listening to my chest, he told me that he was pretty sure that I didn't have a collapsed lung,or anything like that, but that he would refer me through to A&E if I wanted to, or he would let me go home. Having already been there about an hour, I thought I might as well go on through for the chest x-ray, cos they might be able to point to something causing the pain that couldn't be heard so well, but showed up on the x-ray.
Ok, better speed up the story cos it's getting long. They did urine and blood tests, and an ECG to check I wasn't having a heart attack. They also did the chest x-ray and a physical examination. And basically most things came back clear - I wasn't having a heart attack, the blood results showed no signs of clots. So it came down to just being swelling where the ribcage and muscles meet - which would explain why I have it front and back. It's the sort of thing that occurs when infection gets in, and the fact that I have this constant cough won't be doing anything to help it.
I'm allergic to ibuprofen, so all I can take is paracetamol. Which doesn't seem to do a lot for it. So I've pretty much been in pain all day, and spent much of it feeling dizzy and exhausted too. I'm basically just taking it easy, and hoping the pain will go away soon. I'll keep you posted.
Thursday morning I woke up with the pain still, and I'd already decided it would be a good idea to right the doctor and she if he could fit me in. The doctor I've seen the last few times wasn't on call, and they actually weren't able to fit me in for an appointment. However, they said that they'd get a doctor to give me a call back. The doctor that called was the one who prescribed me the steroids a few weeks back, so at least he knew a little bit of my case history. He seemed a bit put out that the steroids hadn't worked! Anyway, he told me that he wanted me to go to the walk-in centre at my local hospital to get a chest x-ray done. So off I went.
They've changed it all around since I was last there, but I think they assess you when you go in, and decide if you need to go through to A&E (like ER) or whether you should me seen by someone in the GP clinic. They put me through to the GP clinic first of all, and I saw a doctor there. After telling my history, and him listening to my chest, he told me that he was pretty sure that I didn't have a collapsed lung,or anything like that, but that he would refer me through to A&E if I wanted to, or he would let me go home. Having already been there about an hour, I thought I might as well go on through for the chest x-ray, cos they might be able to point to something causing the pain that couldn't be heard so well, but showed up on the x-ray.
Ok, better speed up the story cos it's getting long. They did urine and blood tests, and an ECG to check I wasn't having a heart attack. They also did the chest x-ray and a physical examination. And basically most things came back clear - I wasn't having a heart attack, the blood results showed no signs of clots. So it came down to just being swelling where the ribcage and muscles meet - which would explain why I have it front and back. It's the sort of thing that occurs when infection gets in, and the fact that I have this constant cough won't be doing anything to help it.
I'm allergic to ibuprofen, so all I can take is paracetamol. Which doesn't seem to do a lot for it. So I've pretty much been in pain all day, and spent much of it feeling dizzy and exhausted too. I'm basically just taking it easy, and hoping the pain will go away soon. I'll keep you posted.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Today
I spent five hours in A&E (ER to some of you).
I'm ok, or as ok as I can be. And I will tell you more about it tomorrow. But now I must go to bed.
I'm ok, or as ok as I can be. And I will tell you more about it tomorrow. But now I must go to bed.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it
It's amazing the range of different emotions a person can feel in one day. Today I think I've felt everything, almost.
Happiness, when I got off the treadmill after my first work out in over a week.
Annoyance, when I realised the chili con carne that was supposed to have been cooking nicely in the crock pot for the past 5 hours, actually wasn't cooking, cos I hadn't turned the switch on at the wall.
Worry - this morning I had this real sense of foreboding in the pit of my stomach, it was almost making me feel physically sick, and I couldn't even put my finger on why I was feeling like that.
Sadness, when I stopped to wonder if I will ever stop feeling ill and down, and be back to my usual happy self.
Pain - when I woke up this morning I had pain in my back, about where my lungs are. It didn't last too long, and I was feeling lots better by the time I got on my treadmill (and I do listen to my body, and wouldn't have got on it if I didn't think I was ok to do so).
Hope - I know that things won't be like this forever, they will get better. I just have to keep plodding, and see how it goes.
I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it. Even if everything seems to have crumbled right now, I'll take it one brick at a time and start re-building.
Happiness, when I got off the treadmill after my first work out in over a week.
Annoyance, when I realised the chili con carne that was supposed to have been cooking nicely in the crock pot for the past 5 hours, actually wasn't cooking, cos I hadn't turned the switch on at the wall.
Worry - this morning I had this real sense of foreboding in the pit of my stomach, it was almost making me feel physically sick, and I couldn't even put my finger on why I was feeling like that.
Sadness, when I stopped to wonder if I will ever stop feeling ill and down, and be back to my usual happy self.
Pain - when I woke up this morning I had pain in my back, about where my lungs are. It didn't last too long, and I was feeling lots better by the time I got on my treadmill (and I do listen to my body, and wouldn't have got on it if I didn't think I was ok to do so).
Hope - I know that things won't be like this forever, they will get better. I just have to keep plodding, and see how it goes.
I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it. Even if everything seems to have crumbled right now, I'll take it one brick at a time and start re-building.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Just the outfit you want to be wearing on a really hot day...
Yesterday was my MA graduation in Cambridge. I have some stories to tell about it, but in the meantime, here are a couple of pics to be going on with.
Friday, May 09, 2008
This is from an email I just wrote to a friend of mine, but it says it all really, so I'm not going to re-type it for the blog, just copy and paste. Sorry, just that means I can have more sleep time!
Well I just got back from the doctors. I was that annoying person that spends 45 minutes with the doctor, in what was meant to be a 10 minute slot, so got some lovely dirty looks from people as I came out!
Well, basically, we're not really any further forward with it all yet, but we're taking steps to get
more information -
The chest x-ray results came back, and although they showed something, they were fairly inconclusive. The doctor is sending me for a CT scan and an MRI to try to get a clearer picture of what's going on in there. So for those he sends off the referrals, and they'll contact me to make an appointment. So prayers that they come through quickly would be great.
He listened to my chest and lungs again and didn't look too happy - there's still freaky stuff going on it there, but we'll have to wait for further test results.
He's given me a 5th course of antibiotics (10 days worth this time), and told me to start it on Monday (cos i only finished the last lot yesterday). We don't have much hope of them doing anything, but it's just another stab at whatever it is that's taken over my lungs!
I talked to him about the depression and tiredness and mouth ulcers, and although we didn't exactly come up with any answers, it was just good to feel like he's on my side, and we will get this sorted out, eventually! It's the third time I've seen him since it all started (I saw him when i first got back and was having all those problems with my ears popping) so i feel like he knows me and knows my situation, even if we don't have a clue what the problem is!
Um, he's also given me a referral to the chest and respiratory unit at the hospital. Well, with this new 'patient choose and book system' he's actually given me a couple of different places, and i have to pick one and ring them on Monday to make an appointment. But anyway, that might be another person to bring some light on the situation, so pray for a quick referral there too.
That's it really. Mentally I think I'm doing ok today. I'm at a point where I know that I want to fight this, I want to LIVE and not just exist and drift. I'm still totally shattered, and could easily go back to bed. In fact I may do just that. But it feels like there's potential for light at the end of the tunnel.
Finally, I talked to the doctor about the possibility of it being glandular fever, but we're going to put that theory on the back burner for the moment. Because although I am fatigued and getting depressed, the other symptoms don't really fit. We'll wait for other test results to come back before we try that road!
Well I just got back from the doctors. I was that annoying person that spends 45 minutes with the doctor, in what was meant to be a 10 minute slot, so got some lovely dirty looks from people as I came out!
Well, basically, we're not really any further forward with it all yet, but we're taking steps to get
more information -
The chest x-ray results came back, and although they showed something, they were fairly inconclusive. The doctor is sending me for a CT scan and an MRI to try to get a clearer picture of what's going on in there. So for those he sends off the referrals, and they'll contact me to make an appointment. So prayers that they come through quickly would be great.
He listened to my chest and lungs again and didn't look too happy - there's still freaky stuff going on it there, but we'll have to wait for further test results.
He's given me a 5th course of antibiotics (10 days worth this time), and told me to start it on Monday (cos i only finished the last lot yesterday). We don't have much hope of them doing anything, but it's just another stab at whatever it is that's taken over my lungs!
I talked to him about the depression and tiredness and mouth ulcers, and although we didn't exactly come up with any answers, it was just good to feel like he's on my side, and we will get this sorted out, eventually! It's the third time I've seen him since it all started (I saw him when i first got back and was having all those problems with my ears popping) so i feel like he knows me and knows my situation, even if we don't have a clue what the problem is!
Um, he's also given me a referral to the chest and respiratory unit at the hospital. Well, with this new 'patient choose and book system' he's actually given me a couple of different places, and i have to pick one and ring them on Monday to make an appointment. But anyway, that might be another person to bring some light on the situation, so pray for a quick referral there too.
That's it really. Mentally I think I'm doing ok today. I'm at a point where I know that I want to fight this, I want to LIVE and not just exist and drift. I'm still totally shattered, and could easily go back to bed. In fact I may do just that. But it feels like there's potential for light at the end of the tunnel.
Finally, I talked to the doctor about the possibility of it being glandular fever, but we're going to put that theory on the back burner for the moment. Because although I am fatigued and getting depressed, the other symptoms don't really fit. We'll wait for other test results to come back before we try that road!
Friday
In a way this is a post about nothing.
I'm off to the doctors in about 15 minutes, and I hope and pray that he will be able to give me some answers.
I'm feeling a bit brighter mentally today, although maybe I'm just so tired I don't have the energy to think about how I feel.
I wrote the following to some friends of mine yesterday, and I guess it sums up wher I'm at at the moment:
Yeah, I haven’t got any answers, but I just don’t care for the moment! Must be all those people praying for me.I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, but one thing I do know. I want to LIVE. As in, do more than just exist and drift. Does that make sense?So I’m gonna fight for energy, and fight for my mental attitude, and just keep taking it minute by minute, day by day, but try to enjoy the ride.
I have no idea quite what I’m rambling on about. But hey, I’m doing ok. Ish
I'm off to the doctors in about 15 minutes, and I hope and pray that he will be able to give me some answers.
I'm feeling a bit brighter mentally today, although maybe I'm just so tired I don't have the energy to think about how I feel.
I wrote the following to some friends of mine yesterday, and I guess it sums up wher I'm at at the moment:
Yeah, I haven’t got any answers, but I just don’t care for the moment! Must be all those people praying for me.I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, but one thing I do know. I want to LIVE. As in, do more than just exist and drift. Does that make sense?So I’m gonna fight for energy, and fight for my mental attitude, and just keep taking it minute by minute, day by day, but try to enjoy the ride.
I have no idea quite what I’m rambling on about. But hey, I’m doing ok. Ish
Thursday, May 08, 2008
I'm not coping right now
I need to shut down and go into autopilot. Maybe I already have.
I can't cope with the world at the moment. With life. It just takes too much energy that I haven't got, just to make it out of bed.
Why am I still ill? Why? It's been so long I've almost forgotten what it feels like to wake up and be able to breathe properly. To wake up and feel refreshed and energised and ready for the new day. I wake up and don't feel ready for anything.
I'm in such a bad mood today, and there are probably a million reasons for that, but I think one of them is that if anyone were to actually be nice to me right now, like give me a hug or whatever, I would probably totally lose the plot and explode into tears, and the final few threads that are holding my life together would break, and I'd just be a heap on the floor. And I don't have the time or space for that to happen, so my automatic reaction is to keep people at bay. To growl at them, and they won't want to get close, and that way I won't have to discover what happens when that last thread snaps.
I don't know if that made any sense at all, but I just know that life is too hard. I'm supposed to be job-hunting and working out what to do with my life, and I'm having enough trouble remembering what my name is and where I'm supposed to be at what time, let alone doing anything that might be considered planning for the future. I barely know what I'm doing tomorrow, let alone next week or next month.
I can't deal with LIFE. I've got nothing. I'm running on empty.
So I'll just sit here on my bed and cry. And maybe in a minute I'll summon up the energy to get on my treadmill, to see if it can distract me for a few minutes and give my body a bit of a kick start.
I can't cope with the world at the moment. With life. It just takes too much energy that I haven't got, just to make it out of bed.
Why am I still ill? Why? It's been so long I've almost forgotten what it feels like to wake up and be able to breathe properly. To wake up and feel refreshed and energised and ready for the new day. I wake up and don't feel ready for anything.
I'm in such a bad mood today, and there are probably a million reasons for that, but I think one of them is that if anyone were to actually be nice to me right now, like give me a hug or whatever, I would probably totally lose the plot and explode into tears, and the final few threads that are holding my life together would break, and I'd just be a heap on the floor. And I don't have the time or space for that to happen, so my automatic reaction is to keep people at bay. To growl at them, and they won't want to get close, and that way I won't have to discover what happens when that last thread snaps.
I don't know if that made any sense at all, but I just know that life is too hard. I'm supposed to be job-hunting and working out what to do with my life, and I'm having enough trouble remembering what my name is and where I'm supposed to be at what time, let alone doing anything that might be considered planning for the future. I barely know what I'm doing tomorrow, let alone next week or next month.
I can't deal with LIFE. I've got nothing. I'm running on empty.
So I'll just sit here on my bed and cry. And maybe in a minute I'll summon up the energy to get on my treadmill, to see if it can distract me for a few minutes and give my body a bit of a kick start.
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
today
I'm fighting with my lungs to get them to take in enough oxygen.
I'm fighting the desire to call him.
I'm fighing the desire to emotional eat.
I'm winning the middle fight, but I'm not so sure about the other two.
I'm fighting the desire to call him.
I'm fighing the desire to emotional eat.
I'm winning the middle fight, but I'm not so sure about the other two.
Monday, May 05, 2008
I'm so dizzy
my head is spinning.
Like a whirlpool it never ends.
That song is stuck in my head. But also, I am that dizzy. And it is sightly freaking me out.
Like a whirlpool it never ends.
That song is stuck in my head. But also, I am that dizzy. And it is sightly freaking me out.
HP's Boyfriend's Baptism
I called this post that cos it just amused me to use two apostrophes.
HP's just posted some pics of Barney's baptism. And since I took them, any I posted here would look the same. So why not visit HP and Barney's blog, and you could stop and say hi to them while you're there. (Do you think my clever plan to increase their blog traffic will encourage them to write more often? I sure hope so!)
HP's just posted some pics of Barney's baptism. And since I took them, any I posted here would look the same. So why not visit HP and Barney's blog, and you could stop and say hi to them while you're there. (Do you think my clever plan to increase their blog traffic will encourage them to write more often? I sure hope so!)
Sunday, May 04, 2008
Tears
Yesterday, having done a lot of thinking, I realised that although the boy is a wonderful, amazing person, who is so on fire for God, and someone who I really respect and trust, he's not the right person for me to be creating a future with.
So I brought things to a halt. Because once I'd come to that decision I didn't want to be leading him on. It was really hard, and I am really upset, but I know that it was the right thing to do.
God has a wonderful plan for my life, and a wonderful plan for his life, but it's not a shared plan.
I guess I just want to tell the boy, if he ever reads this, thank you for giving me a really special two weeks. And thank you for understanding that I had to make this decision. You rock! And I pray that God will bring along the right person for you, in his good and perfect timing.
So I brought things to a halt. Because once I'd come to that decision I didn't want to be leading him on. It was really hard, and I am really upset, but I know that it was the right thing to do.
God has a wonderful plan for my life, and a wonderful plan for his life, but it's not a shared plan.
I guess I just want to tell the boy, if he ever reads this, thank you for giving me a really special two weeks. And thank you for understanding that I had to make this decision. You rock! And I pray that God will bring along the right person for you, in his good and perfect timing.
Friday, May 02, 2008
It's all too much
This morning I feel very close to tears. I think the lack of sleep and constantly being ill and having a crazy schedule have all got too much, and something's gotta give. I would not be at all surprised if I cry before the end of the day. In fact, it might not be a bad thing at all.
I'm off to Cambridge this evening to stay with Bekki for the weekend. I've just gotta make it through the day first. I can so do this. I really can.
If I tell myself that enough times, d'ya think it'll work?
I sure hope.
I'm off to Cambridge this evening to stay with Bekki for the weekend. I've just gotta make it through the day first. I can so do this. I really can.
If I tell myself that enough times, d'ya think it'll work?
I sure hope.
Thursday, May 01, 2008
More Drugs
Just got back from my 6th, 7th? trip to the doctors since I got back from Texas, and am the proud owner of my 4th lot of antibiotics in that same time period, and a referral to the hospital for an urgent chest x-ray.
I am just so sick of being ill. I've had enough now!
I am just so sick of being ill. I've had enough now!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
