Yesterday I met up with a guy from church to talk about how my life is at the moment, and what I should be doing to get on with my life. As far at the conversation went, it was good. I need to get myself motivated and get on with life. Stop just existing and go back to living. That means finding a job that's more than a couple of days a week, and potentially moving out from home again. (I lived away from home the year after university, but when that job came to an end I had to move back to live with my parents for financial reasons)
But somehow it didn't meet the greater itch. I have lots of stuff inside my head that needs to come out. But I play stupid games like the other person has to ask the right questions before I will let it out. That doesn't work, cos how on earth would they know the right questions to ask anyway?! And all that does is leave me hating myself even more and feeling even worse. It's a no win situation. And I'm sick of playing games. I'm gonna try to be real about how I'm feeling, if anyone cares enough to ask.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
what's love, but a secondhand emotion?
There are so many songs about love. The one I have in my head at the moment is The Elephant Love Medley from Moulin Rouge. It's all so 'perfect'. In the course of a song the guy persuades the girl to fall in love with him, or at least sleep with him. There are songs about love working out, there are songs about love and love affairs ending. There are songs for just about every aspect of love that you can think of. Or at least the different aspects of the 'eros' physical sexual kind of love.
But love isn't just about sex. Sure, I've heard that it's good, and definitely not to be sneezed at in the right time and place, but love is so much more than that. Like I said yesterday, there are different types of love. Within a marriage* there needs to be more than sex to hold the relationship together. Anyway, I'm not entirely sure how I got on to talking about sex, but lets move on.
Right now I'm in the position that I've had one boyfriend, ever. I'm 26 right now, so yes, I guess that's pretty uncommon. But that's ok with me. To be honest, I think being overweight (obese, to be precise) while I was going through my teen years was probably a life saver for me. I never had to go through the mental struggles of dating and getting close to someone at a time in my life when I wasn't ready physically or mentally for things like marriage. Now that I'm 26 I feel like I am ready when/if the situation arises. Of course what I need now is for a nice guy to come along, but in the meanwhile I'm trying, with God's help, to be happy with my situation as it stands.
I know that my identity, my sense of worth won't be found through meeting a nice guy, getting married and having babies. I know that I need to find my identity before all of that, that other people can't show me who am I. This is where I start getting 'religious', so please bear with me, or go read something else if you're not in the mood ;)
I believe that my identity is in God. It's something so big, so great that I'm not sure I can actually begin to talk about it at the moment. It feels like it needs its own blog post - maybe tomorrow! In the meantime, I'll leave you with some words from this song 'Befriended' by Matt Redman.
Astounded, astounded that Your gospel beckoned me
Surrounded, surrounded but I've never been so free,
Determined, determined now to live this life for You
You're so worthy my greatest gift would be the least You're due
This blog post went off in a completly differnet direction to that which I was expecting, but that's ok. I'll post it anyway!
* I'm a Christian and believe that sex should only take place within marriage. I respect that my readers may not agree, but please keep it civil in the comments, and note that I will delete any inappropriate comments as I see fit
But love isn't just about sex. Sure, I've heard that it's good, and definitely not to be sneezed at in the right time and place, but love is so much more than that. Like I said yesterday, there are different types of love. Within a marriage* there needs to be more than sex to hold the relationship together. Anyway, I'm not entirely sure how I got on to talking about sex, but lets move on.
Right now I'm in the position that I've had one boyfriend, ever. I'm 26 right now, so yes, I guess that's pretty uncommon. But that's ok with me. To be honest, I think being overweight (obese, to be precise) while I was going through my teen years was probably a life saver for me. I never had to go through the mental struggles of dating and getting close to someone at a time in my life when I wasn't ready physically or mentally for things like marriage. Now that I'm 26 I feel like I am ready when/if the situation arises. Of course what I need now is for a nice guy to come along, but in the meanwhile I'm trying, with God's help, to be happy with my situation as it stands.
I know that my identity, my sense of worth won't be found through meeting a nice guy, getting married and having babies. I know that I need to find my identity before all of that, that other people can't show me who am I. This is where I start getting 'religious', so please bear with me, or go read something else if you're not in the mood ;)
I believe that my identity is in God. It's something so big, so great that I'm not sure I can actually begin to talk about it at the moment. It feels like it needs its own blog post - maybe tomorrow! In the meantime, I'll leave you with some words from this song 'Befriended' by Matt Redman.
Astounded, astounded that Your gospel beckoned me
Surrounded, surrounded but I've never been so free,
Determined, determined now to live this life for You
You're so worthy my greatest gift would be the least You're due
This blog post went off in a completly differnet direction to that which I was expecting, but that's ok. I'll post it anyway!
* I'm a Christian and believe that sex should only take place within marriage. I respect that my readers may not agree, but please keep it civil in the comments, and note that I will delete any inappropriate comments as I see fit
Sunday, July 27, 2008
What's love got to do, got to do with it?
I've been tossing this post around in my head for ages now, and I'm still not convinced it'll come out in a way that's coherent, but I'll give it a go.
This morning when I arrived to look after Little One and Little Flower, they both shrieked with joy and yelled my name. Little Flower has only recently started saying my name, so that's pretty exciting too. That's gotta be love, they way they get excited when they see me. And I love them to bits. It's been an amazing privilege to be a part of their lives, and know that I helped teach Little One to count, that I've made an impact on their lives.
On my last Sunday before I went to Texas, the head of the children's work at church called me out to get the kids to pray for me. I was amazed how when she asked them to raise their hand if they'd ever been taught by me or babysit, or cared for by me, more than half the room (there were probably 60 kids) raised their hands. I didn't realise that I had been a part of some many different people's lives.
That's the thing about life. No man is an island. Everyone is connected to other people in some way. Even if a person has no close family, there are usually people in their life that they are close to, that they love and are loved by.
When the boy and I broke up, I remember having a day where I wondered why people bother loving others, when all it leads to is hurt. I think that's when this post started percolating in my head. It took me a little while, but I realised that to love is to live. Unless we love other people, in whatever form that love may take, we don't really know what it is to be alive, to be human.
I think one of the things I've learnt, or maybe been reminded of over the last few weeks and months, is all the different ways that you can love. It might sound shocking at face value if I were to tell you that absolutely I love The Boy to bits, he's great, I can't say enough good things about him. But, that's as a friend. He's an amazing guy, he's a great friend. He's always going to have been my first boyfriend, and there's a special place in my heart for him because of that. but more than that, I had the privilege to get to know him personally for a few weeks, and out of that I got to catch a glimpse of how amazingly on fire for God he is, and his genuine concern and affection for others. Don't get me wrong, I'm not putting him on a pedestal, or saying that he's faultless, or anything like that, I'm just trying to explain how it's possible for me to be able to say I love him still.
One of the great things I love about being part of the blogging community, and also the community over on Etsy, is that I can honestly say that I love people I've never met. Which is a really strange, almost mad thing to say, I guess. But somehow, blogging and other similar online activities connects people. It allows people a chance to get to know one another, to develop friendships, and to share in each others happiness and pain.
I have some other things to say, but I think I might make them another post. In the meantime, leave me a post and tell me who you love, and why. Or just drop by and say hi. (Consider yourself prompted to de-lurk!)
This morning when I arrived to look after Little One and Little Flower, they both shrieked with joy and yelled my name. Little Flower has only recently started saying my name, so that's pretty exciting too. That's gotta be love, they way they get excited when they see me. And I love them to bits. It's been an amazing privilege to be a part of their lives, and know that I helped teach Little One to count, that I've made an impact on their lives.
On my last Sunday before I went to Texas, the head of the children's work at church called me out to get the kids to pray for me. I was amazed how when she asked them to raise their hand if they'd ever been taught by me or babysit, or cared for by me, more than half the room (there were probably 60 kids) raised their hands. I didn't realise that I had been a part of some many different people's lives.
That's the thing about life. No man is an island. Everyone is connected to other people in some way. Even if a person has no close family, there are usually people in their life that they are close to, that they love and are loved by.
When the boy and I broke up, I remember having a day where I wondered why people bother loving others, when all it leads to is hurt. I think that's when this post started percolating in my head. It took me a little while, but I realised that to love is to live. Unless we love other people, in whatever form that love may take, we don't really know what it is to be alive, to be human.
I think one of the things I've learnt, or maybe been reminded of over the last few weeks and months, is all the different ways that you can love. It might sound shocking at face value if I were to tell you that absolutely I love The Boy to bits, he's great, I can't say enough good things about him. But, that's as a friend. He's an amazing guy, he's a great friend. He's always going to have been my first boyfriend, and there's a special place in my heart for him because of that. but more than that, I had the privilege to get to know him personally for a few weeks, and out of that I got to catch a glimpse of how amazingly on fire for God he is, and his genuine concern and affection for others. Don't get me wrong, I'm not putting him on a pedestal, or saying that he's faultless, or anything like that, I'm just trying to explain how it's possible for me to be able to say I love him still.
One of the great things I love about being part of the blogging community, and also the community over on Etsy, is that I can honestly say that I love people I've never met. Which is a really strange, almost mad thing to say, I guess. But somehow, blogging and other similar online activities connects people. It allows people a chance to get to know one another, to develop friendships, and to share in each others happiness and pain.
I have some other things to say, but I think I might make them another post. In the meantime, leave me a post and tell me who you love, and why. Or just drop by and say hi. (Consider yourself prompted to de-lurk!)
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Friday, July 18, 2008
Fingerprint Friday
I'm not sure I'm gonna do a very good job at explaining this, so go read Beki's post, and then come back. I'll be here, waiting for you.
You back? Ok.
I look after the Little Flower a couple of days a week, and I thank God for the opportunity to be a part of her and her brother lives. I've had the chance to watch them grow and learn and change. God's fingerprints are all over her.
You back? Ok.
I look after the Little Flower a couple of days a week, and I thank God for the opportunity to be a part of her and her brother lives. I've had the chance to watch them grow and learn and change. God's fingerprints are all over her.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
:)
Happened on the walk to playgroup with Little One yesterday morning.
Sorry for sharing slightly TMI, but it's necessary for you to understand the situation ;)
Me: Mind out for the dog poo, Little One.
Little One stops and gazes at the poo for a very long time. (It was small lumps of poo, rather than one big blob)
Little One: Debbie, that's not dog poo, it's sheep poo.
Of course it is, from all those sheep on the loose in London ;)
Sorry for sharing slightly TMI, but it's necessary for you to understand the situation ;)
Me: Mind out for the dog poo, Little One.
Little One stops and gazes at the poo for a very long time. (It was small lumps of poo, rather than one big blob)
Little One: Debbie, that's not dog poo, it's sheep poo.
Of course it is, from all those sheep on the loose in London ;)
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Pictures from Brighton
I uploaded a bunch of my photos to flickr. Rather than upload them here too, I'll just leave you a link. You can click on any image to see a bigger version.
Look here
Look here
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
Hope for the Hopeless (aka ME)
These past few months I've been feeling pretty low, as you know. This morning I was in a session with a talk by David Stroud on a passage from 1 Samuel about Jonathan, the son of King Saul, and his armour bearer.
Anyway, I left that session with a renewed sense of hope. I felt like I was stuck at the bottom of a big pit, and I couldn't get out. (the following is what I wrote to a friend earlier)
"I'm slowly learning that that's not the case. That God has a purpose for my life. That my life matters. That I am special. It's just a bit of a hard time trying to persuade myself that that's true. For so much of my life I've had such love self value, it's not something that can change over night. But I'm trying, and God's doing stuff in me that's changing me into a new person. I do feel like I'm a different person to what i was a year ago, and it's not just the losing weight thing, although that's a big difference on the outside."
Anyway, I left that session with a renewed sense of hope. I felt like I was stuck at the bottom of a big pit, and I couldn't get out. (the following is what I wrote to a friend earlier)
"I'm slowly learning that that's not the case. That God has a purpose for my life. That my life matters. That I am special. It's just a bit of a hard time trying to persuade myself that that's true. For so much of my life I've had such love self value, it's not something that can change over night. But I'm trying, and God's doing stuff in me that's changing me into a new person. I do feel like I'm a different person to what i was a year ago, and it's not just the losing weight thing, although that's a big difference on the outside."
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
I'm not actually here
I was getting twitchy, so had to make use of the free internet access and come check my emails etc.
Just thought I'd pop in and say hi, and tell you that the conference is going great. The first talk was pretty hard hitting, and lots to process, so I think it's going to be a fairly intensive week. Hopefully I'll have enough energy - physical and emotional to last it out.
Just thought I'd pop in and say hi, and tell you that the conference is going great. The first talk was pretty hard hitting, and lots to process, so I think it's going to be a fairly intensive week. Hopefully I'll have enough energy - physical and emotional to last it out.
Monday, July 07, 2008
Out of office announcement
From this evening (Monday) until Friday evening I will be away in Brighton for the New Frontiers Leadership conference. I may be able to check in at some point, but in case I don't, I will wish you a good week, and hopefully catch up with you all soon.
Saturday, July 05, 2008
Thursday, July 03, 2008
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
Monday, June 30, 2008
601
That's how many posts I've written on this blog. Wow, that's an awful lot of talking about nothing much ;)
A few photographs from Saturday.
The now traditional 'in a mirror' shot.
Me, laughing
The beautiful bride
The very happy groom
The first dance
The now traditional 'in a mirror' shot.
Me, laughing
The beautiful bride
The very happy groom
The first dance
Thursday, June 26, 2008
The Verdict
I'm going to go ahead and send it anyway. Cos it seems ok to me, and people might be disappointed otherwise.
Just have to get my butt in gear and actually get it packaged up and go to the post office...
(Will hopefully post more on my poor neglected blog soon. Just been busy elsewhere.. I'm going to a wedding on Saturday, so I'm sure I'll post pics from that...)
Just have to get my butt in gear and actually get it packaged up and go to the post office...
(Will hopefully post more on my poor neglected blog soon. Just been busy elsewhere.. I'm going to a wedding on Saturday, so I'm sure I'll post pics from that...)
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
You can't send chocolate to the US
This sucks.
I have an etsy friend I intended to send a little care package of typically British fare, in the form of an assortment of chocolate bars. However, I have come into difficulties with new licensing laws which stop the import of any foodstuff in to the USA without proper a proper license.
Pants :-(
Now I shall have to come up with something else that is typically British, but not food. Any thoughts?
Edited:
Now wait just a second, we may have found some legislation that makes it ok after all....
I have an etsy friend I intended to send a little care package of typically British fare, in the form of an assortment of chocolate bars. However, I have come into difficulties with new licensing laws which stop the import of any foodstuff in to the USA without proper a proper license.
Pants :-(
Now I shall have to come up with something else that is typically British, but not food. Any thoughts?
Edited:
Now wait just a second, we may have found some legislation that makes it ok after all....
Monday, June 23, 2008
Trouble is her only friend, and he's back again.
I've been wanting to use that line for a blog title for ages, and today just seemed the right day to do it.
That's all I have right now. I need to upload some photos, so more later, maybe.
(Update: Seems I've foold some of you into thinking I made this line up. It's actually the first line from the song 'Carry You Home' as sung by James Blunt)
That's all I have right now. I need to upload some photos, so more later, maybe.
(Update: Seems I've foold some of you into thinking I made this line up. It's actually the first line from the song 'Carry You Home' as sung by James Blunt)
Saturday, June 21, 2008
In the minority?
I've just been reading a small article in one of the bits of today's Times. Entitled "We've lost that loving feeling" it quotes stats (as collected by a survey of 2,000 people, by Andrex) suggesting that people in general just don't hug.
It claims that
65% of people try to avoid hugging where possible.
55% of people give two hugs a week.
Only 17% of people love hugging and give too many to count.
I definitely fall into the last category. I love love love hugs. Hugs make me feel loved, needed, special. Hugs connect you with a person more than words alone, or a quick handshake can do. Hugs break down barriers. Hugs can warm you up when you're cold, comfort you when you're upset, convey love, hope, and joy.
Me, I'm all about the hugs. And I ain't gonna change. Whatever else the rest of the world thinks about them.
It claims that
65% of people try to avoid hugging where possible.
55% of people give two hugs a week.
Only 17% of people love hugging and give too many to count.
I definitely fall into the last category. I love love love hugs. Hugs make me feel loved, needed, special. Hugs connect you with a person more than words alone, or a quick handshake can do. Hugs break down barriers. Hugs can warm you up when you're cold, comfort you when you're upset, convey love, hope, and joy.
Me, I'm all about the hugs. And I ain't gonna change. Whatever else the rest of the world thinks about them.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Look, Purple!
Behold, I present myself (with skanky hair, sorry!) wearing my most recently aquired birthday present. Oh I love it when birthdays get to last a looooong time, and I love blest, who sent me this one. It was definitely worth the wait :-)
(and if you're as impressed as I am, check out more of her work here. Even better, she has a sale in her shop, which I believe is ending today, so check out this section in particular )
(and if you're as impressed as I am, check out more of her work here. Even better, she has a sale in her shop, which I believe is ending today, so check out this section in particular )
Thursday, June 19, 2008
A random assortment of thoughts
Today I've been wearing my purple crocs. I'd take a picture of my feet in them, but my camera and computer aren't feeling friendly today. Which is why you're getting random thoughts instead of fun pictures of me and the kids playing at the park with my friend Jenny. I like them (the crocs, not the kids) because they are purple, and because I actually managed to find a pair that fit when I was in Tx, and having found them obviously had to buy them too!
This morning in the doctor's waiting room I was reading 'Mother and Baby' magazine. I will freely admit that if I had to pick one magazine out of all the magazines in the world, and I would only ever be allowed to read that, ever after, then Mother and Baby magazine would be that magazine. I think I got addicted when I discovered that they had a subscription in my school library. I was doing a 'child development' GCSE, which must have been the easiest GCSE for me ever, and thought they'd be good to read, and even though my friends scoffed, I enjoyed whiling away my spare time in there! I think I am just a sponge when it comes to things to do with babies or pregnancy or children or anything that's associated with those things. Ok, so I've never actually had a baby of my own, or even been pregnant, but, I'd like to think that I'm getting prepared for the 'one day' that I do ;-) Besides, I just find the magazine really really interesting. I've even been known to buy a copy of it for myself, just for fun. Who needs OK magazine or anything like that, when you can have Mother & Baby?!
(Just to clarify, I'm under no illusions that reading a magazine or even looking after other people kids can prepare you for what being a Mum is actually like, but it's a step in the right direction, right?!)
This afternoon (hmm, well it was before I had lunch, but after noon) I spent some time hacking at the tree/bush thing that is growing in our front garden. It's totally out of control and drives me crazy, so I decided, on the spur of the moment, to do something about it. So I did. And now my arms are really sore and itchy, but the garden looks a bit better!
The doctor gave me a steroid injection this morning, which will hopefully help to control my hayfever a little better. Because at the moment it's out of control, and my poor nose is getting sore with all the blowing!
Finally, and stop reading if you don't like TMI, but the doctor I saw yesterday at the hospital thought that there's a possibility that I may have another chest infection, so he's got me to give a sputum sample, so that they can check for infection, and if there is an infection, actually give me 'type-specific' antibiotics, rather than constantly throwing more broad spectrum ones into my body in the vain hope that they'll do something.
This morning in the doctor's waiting room I was reading 'Mother and Baby' magazine. I will freely admit that if I had to pick one magazine out of all the magazines in the world, and I would only ever be allowed to read that, ever after, then Mother and Baby magazine would be that magazine. I think I got addicted when I discovered that they had a subscription in my school library. I was doing a 'child development' GCSE, which must have been the easiest GCSE for me ever, and thought they'd be good to read, and even though my friends scoffed, I enjoyed whiling away my spare time in there! I think I am just a sponge when it comes to things to do with babies or pregnancy or children or anything that's associated with those things. Ok, so I've never actually had a baby of my own, or even been pregnant, but, I'd like to think that I'm getting prepared for the 'one day' that I do ;-) Besides, I just find the magazine really really interesting. I've even been known to buy a copy of it for myself, just for fun. Who needs OK magazine or anything like that, when you can have Mother & Baby?!
(Just to clarify, I'm under no illusions that reading a magazine or even looking after other people kids can prepare you for what being a Mum is actually like, but it's a step in the right direction, right?!)
This afternoon (hmm, well it was before I had lunch, but after noon) I spent some time hacking at the tree/bush thing that is growing in our front garden. It's totally out of control and drives me crazy, so I decided, on the spur of the moment, to do something about it. So I did. And now my arms are really sore and itchy, but the garden looks a bit better!
The doctor gave me a steroid injection this morning, which will hopefully help to control my hayfever a little better. Because at the moment it's out of control, and my poor nose is getting sore with all the blowing!
Finally, and stop reading if you don't like TMI, but the doctor I saw yesterday at the hospital thought that there's a possibility that I may have another chest infection, so he's got me to give a sputum sample, so that they can check for infection, and if there is an infection, actually give me 'type-specific' antibiotics, rather than constantly throwing more broad spectrum ones into my body in the vain hope that they'll do something.
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