Life is hard right now. Today feels particularly hard for some reason.
Yesterday I had lunch with a lady from my church and she was really helpful and encouraging and agreed to stand with me as I fight this depression. She talked about how I need to be sure that I do want to fight it, that that needs to be my decision. Other people can only do so much, the rest needs to come from within me. I understand what she was saying, and I really really do want things to change. I'm fed up of feeling this way, of feeling like I'm searching for light at the end of the tunnel, but not seeing it yet.
I guess in a way, I have begun to see some light, some hope for me and my life. I still have no idea what to do with my life, what job to get, what career path to follow. All those things totally freak me out when I think about them, but I have faith that I will get to a place where I'm not scared any more, when I'm not frightened about making long term plans, where I can function as a proper living person again.
This morning the church prayer meeting was an extented time of praying for people where there is depression, disease and disappointment. I felt I pretty much fell into all those categories. I was prayed for, and I prayed, and spent time with God, pretty much saying, This is where I'm at God, I need your help. I was encouraged by a word one of the elders gave me, that although I've been sick for a long time, sickness is not my portion for the next six months. God wants me to be well, God is going to make me well. That's the hope I'm clinging on to today. That God is a good God, and he loves me and wants the very best for me.