I've been looking through my draft posts which I wrote but never posted. I found this one, which was written at a very emotional time. Reading it made me well up with tears, because I know how it turns out. It's like watching a film but already knowing the ending. I know that God is good. I know Sophia and she is a wonderful addition to my life, to our lives. And I'm still trusting God for our future.
written on 28th January, 2009
Today I found out that I'm almost definitely pregnant. Life is about to totally change forever.
I'm a good Christian girl, I've never done anything this big before. Even last year when I was depressed and full of rebellion, I didn't do anything like this. What went wrong?
I guess the answer is, I slipped up. We slipped up. People do it all the time. Every day people make the wrong decision, they do things they shouldn't, just not everyone's mistakes have such big and such direct consequences.
Right from the beginning I knew for certain that if I got pregnant, I would be keeping the baby. I refused to even think about the morning after pill. Well, that's not quite true. I thought about it, I thought about it a lot, but I knew that there was no way that I could sqare that with my conscience. I belive too highly in the sanctity of life. Even at conception, a life is a life. I know that to the very depths of my being.
So, I'm keeping my baby. I have that Madonna song going round in my head. I wonder how I could have been so stupid. And yet, also, there's a part of me that's excited. Scared wittless, but excited. I know that God has good plans for me, for us. All three of us. I know that although we messed up, God forgives. That God can turn all things around for good. And I choose in my heart to belive that. I don't know what will happen tomorrow, or next week, or next month. I don't even know if this fragile life within me will reach term - I know how fragile it is, and that not all pregnancys will result in a baby. But, whatever happens, I'm going to trust in God.
Whatever people say, however people treat me, however I'm feeling, I choose to trust in God, because he first chose me.
And I claim these verses for me, and for my baby.
Psalm 139: 13-16
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.