This morning we sang this song - 'You never let go' by Matt Redman. And I just had a sudden realisation that God has got a hold of me, he's never ever going to let me go, however rough or tough or hard things get. God is with me right now, going through the pain and the hurt and the despair, and he's going to bring me through it.
But most of all, what I realised is that I WANT TO LIVE. That was the resolve that started in my mind, and settled as a deep yearning desire in the pit of my stomach. I want to stop just existing through this illness, and instead I want to LIVE. To do more than count off the days, but to live them the best way that I can.
I don't know if that really makes sense, but to me it was like the fog and mist and gloom lifted. I suddenly knew that even if I'm still in the pit, in the dark, I'm not on my own. God is here with me, and he can carry me when I can't make it on my own. In fact, I don't even need to try to make it on my own, cos God is always always always with me. So I am gonna get through this mystery illness, and the pain and hurt, but not by anything I can do, but by the power of God's son, and his death on a cross, for me.
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